There was a movie in the 80s with Diane Keaton called "Baby Boom". It comes up on reruns now and again. Funny to watch, with those 80s power suits for women with massive shoulder pads. And now that I've lived through a New England winter, also funny to watch the main character freak out (although my winter experiences didn't include home repairs or empty water wells).
What isn't funny is the underlying message - as an educated American woman you CAN have it all - home, successful career, romantic love life, friends and family. You WILL have time to DO IT ALL. You can be wealthy, healthy, and happy and have a healthy happy family. Don't worry about the few socks on the floor or toys scattered about, you can clean your house, start a business and not need a nanny. Oh yeah, and date that cute vet from town too! Time for everything abounds! Even one-upping your old corporate bosses!
This is not reality.
I was not a successful college-age student. My undergraduate program included two universities and two community colleges. It also included a significant amount of failure and took 13 years to complete.
Along the way I got married and had two daughters. For a time, my then husband didn't want me to finish school and threatened to take the children from me (although we were still married so in hindsight it was a hollow threat, but at the time it felt real and scary) if I continued to take classes. The students at the Methodist Student Center helped to watch my children while I was attending class - one class per semester. Sometimes the baby came along if I thought she would need to breastfeed during classtime and once she was a show-and-tell of infant reflexes for a kinesiology class. Eventually I filed for divorce and the girls enrolled in the University lab school and the on-campus day care center. Somehow I managed to make it through student teaching and graduated.
Also along the way my identity morphed and I didn't even realize it. "Mother" became my dominant identity. Throughout my vocation as mother, I have never given up the path of my calling to the ministry. I thought it was my primary identity - clergywoman. But as my children have grown from teenagers into young adults, one in college and one nearly there, I am realizing just how dominant that "mother" role has truly been.
So here I am - having gotten that undergraduate degree but never really using it. And then a master's degree that led to the clergywoman role, but also to deeper questions and eventually a return to graduate school. Another master's degree and now most of a doctoral program later - and I'm struggling.
I have not had it all. I've managed to raise amazing, intelligent, opinionated, curious, engaged and engaging young women. But I have struggled in every other area. My career looks like a crazy quilt. I have more questions than answers. I don't feel at home in academia or the church - and frequently make mistakes or missteps in those fields. I am not a great homemaker (although clearly I love baking!). And the financial success - well, that is just movie magic.
And so I find myself on an autumn afternoon, surrounded by books. Drowning in a sea of words. Trying to keep outlines sorted out in my head and on my notes. Preparing for the last written exam of my long academic journey. Neighbors have already decorated for Christmas and I haven't begun to think about it - because SuperAmericanWoman is a myth! I can do some things but in spite of how that verse from Philippians has been twisted, I can't do EVERYTHING through Christ who strengthens me if that means being everything to everyone.
I am at the point in exam prep where I am sure that I will fail, there is no way to cram anything else into my brain. It happens to come at the point where there are no dinner plans, laundry has piled up, and I have the awful feeling that I've forgotten something important but have no idea what that might be. It is uncomfortable.
Last exam when I felt this way I went for a nice long walk. This time around I'm fighting a respiratory infection and listened to a radio program on vulnerability and risk a few days ago. So in the spirit of vulnerability and being healthy in body, mind and spirit, I am writing out my stress instead of walking it.
To any woman who might read this: if culture tries to tell you that you CAN be superwoman, don't buy that myth. Don't try to be superwoman. It is exhausting and confusing. Just .... be.
Although my vocation and identity seem to be in the middle of switching to a different path, at the heart of it, I am content. It is deeply peaceful to admit that I'm not superwoman and I can't do it all. This exam, however? I will do that through the grace of Christ!
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Celia's letter to Grace Lea
When my mother was newly married in her early 20s, she moved from rural Minnesota to the Texas-Mexico border. Thousands of miles from home, she asked her mother to send her some recipes. I have a copy of the letter my grandmother sent her with news from home and a pumpkin pie recipe, and I'm sharing it here for my daughters, family history and yummy recipe. The only date is "Friday pm" so I'm not sure of the exact date. Any typos are in the original! :-)
Dear Grace Lea,
Got your letter today. I've got the pumpkin pie reciepe right here so I wouldnt forget to include it. Did the glass come through without breaking? I wrapped them the best I could, considering the other things I had to get in too. Have to see what Dad has to say about sending more. Dont look at this time, that we can come and bring your things. Dishes, books, records, clothes, knick nacks, etc. Guess your old storm coat is one thing you dont need. The boxes were insured, so I hope every thing came O.K. Else you have to go through such a fuss to get your value back.
When you called I was undressing. Tried to get back in, gave it up, grabbed some thing to cover me and came dashing out. Marilyn was excited too. She was in her blanket, and rolling on the couch. We really do get excited dont we? No wonder there are ulcers in the family. My voice eckoed (I know that isnt spelled right) some thing fierce. I had a time hearing good. I think Dad missed not talking to you. I called the Monitor-News today. Too late for this week. It was fairly nice this day, until it started snowing. Wet stuff. Marilyn just came home. It is dark. I have a lamp lit beside me. I washed clothes yesterday, thank goodness. Too dark to iron by daylight, so I'll wait till tomorrow with it. Do a part of the Saturday work yet today. It is three thirty now. If you got that Northern from up here, they had better be happy it got up to 37 by the time it got there. It was 4 below when we were in Iowa. It wasnt even that cold here. It had been so wet in Iowa that they didn't have much corn out. It snowed a lot there too. It has been up to 34 or so here. The paper will tell I guess.
It will be a real challenge to you to learn to cook. I know you'll make it. I surely would like to come and try your cooking. I dont remember the name of the poison that can grown in air-tight fruit jars, of canned non-acid vegetables. It isnt botulism. It comes from the soil and doesnt develop till it gets in an air tight jar, processed at low temperatures. Commercially canned veg. dont have it. Boiling 20 minutes makes it safe to eat. 10 min. is enough so a person wouldnt die in case the bacteria or what ever it is called, is present. So it is neither from the beans or the type of canning. It comes from the soil. Pressure canning is hot enough to destroy the stuff. But I'd cook the beans 10 minutes anyway if I were doing it, or eating them. If I find the name of the poison I'll write it to you.
Pumpkin Pie 1 pie
First you make the crust. You must have the receipe for that.
Put into the unbaked crust this mix.
1 cup pumpkin, I use a good brand. Festal is good.
2 eggs
1/4 cup cream (you can substitute milk)
3/4 cup milk
3/4 cup sugar
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 te. cinnamon
1/2 te. nutmeg
1/2 te. ginger.
Reduce spices if less spicy pie is desired. I mix the spices and salt with the sugar, it mixes in quicker. I beat the egg whites stiff and then put the yolks in and beat then the smooth (and stiff) pumpkin and then the cream and milk and sugar-spice so I can use the beater till the end. Mixing the egg whites seperate give the pie a nicer look when done. It is done when it doesnt jiggle in the middle, and when it looks nice and brownish.
Cool + with whipped cream - sweetened - on - good luck
Love Ma
Grandma Celia hand wrote the date and the last note about whipped cream but the rest of the letter she wrote on her typewriter. A bit of tasty November family history for my girls! :-)
Dear Grace Lea,
Got your letter today. I've got the pumpkin pie reciepe right here so I wouldnt forget to include it. Did the glass come through without breaking? I wrapped them the best I could, considering the other things I had to get in too. Have to see what Dad has to say about sending more. Dont look at this time, that we can come and bring your things. Dishes, books, records, clothes, knick nacks, etc. Guess your old storm coat is one thing you dont need. The boxes were insured, so I hope every thing came O.K. Else you have to go through such a fuss to get your value back.
When you called I was undressing. Tried to get back in, gave it up, grabbed some thing to cover me and came dashing out. Marilyn was excited too. She was in her blanket, and rolling on the couch. We really do get excited dont we? No wonder there are ulcers in the family. My voice eckoed (I know that isnt spelled right) some thing fierce. I had a time hearing good. I think Dad missed not talking to you. I called the Monitor-News today. Too late for this week. It was fairly nice this day, until it started snowing. Wet stuff. Marilyn just came home. It is dark. I have a lamp lit beside me. I washed clothes yesterday, thank goodness. Too dark to iron by daylight, so I'll wait till tomorrow with it. Do a part of the Saturday work yet today. It is three thirty now. If you got that Northern from up here, they had better be happy it got up to 37 by the time it got there. It was 4 below when we were in Iowa. It wasnt even that cold here. It had been so wet in Iowa that they didn't have much corn out. It snowed a lot there too. It has been up to 34 or so here. The paper will tell I guess.
It will be a real challenge to you to learn to cook. I know you'll make it. I surely would like to come and try your cooking. I dont remember the name of the poison that can grown in air-tight fruit jars, of canned non-acid vegetables. It isnt botulism. It comes from the soil and doesnt develop till it gets in an air tight jar, processed at low temperatures. Commercially canned veg. dont have it. Boiling 20 minutes makes it safe to eat. 10 min. is enough so a person wouldnt die in case the bacteria or what ever it is called, is present. So it is neither from the beans or the type of canning. It comes from the soil. Pressure canning is hot enough to destroy the stuff. But I'd cook the beans 10 minutes anyway if I were doing it, or eating them. If I find the name of the poison I'll write it to you.
Pumpkin Pie 1 pie
First you make the crust. You must have the receipe for that.
Put into the unbaked crust this mix.
1 cup pumpkin, I use a good brand. Festal is good.
2 eggs
1/4 cup cream (you can substitute milk)
3/4 cup milk
3/4 cup sugar
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 te. cinnamon
1/2 te. nutmeg
1/2 te. ginger.
Reduce spices if less spicy pie is desired. I mix the spices and salt with the sugar, it mixes in quicker. I beat the egg whites stiff and then put the yolks in and beat then the smooth (and stiff) pumpkin and then the cream and milk and sugar-spice so I can use the beater till the end. Mixing the egg whites seperate give the pie a nicer look when done. It is done when it doesnt jiggle in the middle, and when it looks nice and brownish.
Cool + with whipped cream - sweetened - on - good luck
Love Ma
Grandma Celia hand wrote the date and the last note about whipped cream but the rest of the letter she wrote on her typewriter. A bit of tasty November family history for my girls! :-)
Celia's Pie for Celia
My grandmother's name was Celia. She was the most important person in my early life, a quiet force to be reckoned with, tender and tenacious. She was curious, and instilled in me a love for learning. She cared for the earth, taking the time to pull out weeds with awful prickly burrs and feed them to the cattle. No need for poisons or weed killers, just pay attention to the way the world works, she said, and sure enough the cattle would come running when they saw Grandma working the yard with her weed fork and bucket, standing at the fence waiting for her to come over and hand feed them. She also had a sense of humor and hated having her picture taken. My favorite picture of her is one taken in the kitchen of the house next door - my grandparents moved into the house next door to us when I was a toddler - Grandma is in her kitchen as usual, probably making bread, and when asked to look up for a picture she pulled a face and stuck out her tongue. Silly Grandma!
My oldest daughter is named for my grandmother, and like her namesake is tender and tenacious. She's also firm in her convictions, but true to the times, she is freer to speak her mind. And just like her great-grandma, she highly values the right to vote.
For Thanksgiving, she's voting for pie! So, for the Thanksgiving table, here is the pumpkin pie recipe I use most often. It comes from my 1956 Betty Crocker's Picture Cook Book - which I recently discovered is valuable enough to be part of the University of Houston Hilton College of Hotel and Restaurant Management's library archives!
Make pastry for one crust pie.
Step one: go to the Shaw's and buy Crisco sticks. Get the blue packages, not the yellow ones. The sticks are easy to measure and less messy. If you don't have a pastry blender, pick up one of those too. It's not expensive and really helps.
Mix together 1 cup sifted flour (I use store brand unbleached all purpose flour) and 1/2 tsp salt.
Cut in with pastry blender 1/3 cup shortening.
Sprinkle with 2 Tablespoons cold water. Mix with fork until all the flour is moistened. Gather dough together with fingers until it cleans the bowl, press firmly into a ball. Wrap in plastic wrap and let rest in fridge.
Some bakers will at this point flatten the dough into a disk (not rolling out) and then wrap and let rest in fridge.
When the filling is ready, roll out the dough and ease into your pan. Leave at least 1/2 an inch overhanging the edge. Betty Crocker says to "build up a high fluted edge" and then to "hook points of fluted edge under pan rim to help prevent shrinking during baking". You can make a fluted edge by placing your left pointer finger on the outer edge of the rim and your right thumb and pointer finger on the inner edge and then pushing your fingers together, creating a "v" shape in the pie crust.
Tips for how to fill the crust follow the filling recipe.
Preheat oven to 425 degrees.
Beat together with mixer:
1 3/4 cups mashed cooked pumpkin (in 1956 I guess they didn't use canned as much! I used Libby's Pumpkin when I used this recipe)
1/2 tsp salt
1 3/4 cups milk
3 eggs or 4 yolks
2/3 cup brown sugar (packed)
2 Tblsp granulated sugar
1 1/4 tsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp ginger
1/2 tsp nutmeg
1/4 tsp cloves
Pour most of the mixture into the prepared pan. Open oven and pull out the rack. Place pie pan on the rack, and finish pouring the filling (this will help prevent spilling). Bake 45 to 55 minutes. The center make look soft but will continue to set. Serve slightly warm or cold.
Enjoy!
My oldest daughter is named for my grandmother, and like her namesake is tender and tenacious. She's also firm in her convictions, but true to the times, she is freer to speak her mind. And just like her great-grandma, she highly values the right to vote.
For Thanksgiving, she's voting for pie! So, for the Thanksgiving table, here is the pumpkin pie recipe I use most often. It comes from my 1956 Betty Crocker's Picture Cook Book - which I recently discovered is valuable enough to be part of the University of Houston Hilton College of Hotel and Restaurant Management's library archives!
Make pastry for one crust pie.
Step one: go to the Shaw's and buy Crisco sticks. Get the blue packages, not the yellow ones. The sticks are easy to measure and less messy. If you don't have a pastry blender, pick up one of those too. It's not expensive and really helps.
Mix together 1 cup sifted flour (I use store brand unbleached all purpose flour) and 1/2 tsp salt.
Cut in with pastry blender 1/3 cup shortening.
Sprinkle with 2 Tablespoons cold water. Mix with fork until all the flour is moistened. Gather dough together with fingers until it cleans the bowl, press firmly into a ball. Wrap in plastic wrap and let rest in fridge.
Some bakers will at this point flatten the dough into a disk (not rolling out) and then wrap and let rest in fridge.
When the filling is ready, roll out the dough and ease into your pan. Leave at least 1/2 an inch overhanging the edge. Betty Crocker says to "build up a high fluted edge" and then to "hook points of fluted edge under pan rim to help prevent shrinking during baking". You can make a fluted edge by placing your left pointer finger on the outer edge of the rim and your right thumb and pointer finger on the inner edge and then pushing your fingers together, creating a "v" shape in the pie crust.
Tips for how to fill the crust follow the filling recipe.
Preheat oven to 425 degrees.
Beat together with mixer:
1 3/4 cups mashed cooked pumpkin (in 1956 I guess they didn't use canned as much! I used Libby's Pumpkin when I used this recipe)
1/2 tsp salt
1 3/4 cups milk
3 eggs or 4 yolks
2/3 cup brown sugar (packed)
2 Tblsp granulated sugar
1 1/4 tsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp ginger
1/2 tsp nutmeg
1/4 tsp cloves
Pour most of the mixture into the prepared pan. Open oven and pull out the rack. Place pie pan on the rack, and finish pouring the filling (this will help prevent spilling). Bake 45 to 55 minutes. The center make look soft but will continue to set. Serve slightly warm or cold.
Enjoy!
Monday, October 8, 2012
Apple Picking Season
It's October, which means it's apple picking season in New England. My daughters and I went to Gould Hill Farm in Contoocook, New Hampshire and picked lovely apples. I fell in love with Macoun apples. It was so nice to go to the grocery stores for months and find local apples for sale. I never know where my apples are from here in Texas grocery stores, and they are usually all polished up (waxed?) and shiny - not at all like the crazy shaped and a bit dusty apples you pick yourself.
This year Celia went apple picking with her new beau, and wants Mom's apple pie recipe. :-)
Two-crust pastry
2 cups sifted flour
1 tsp salt
2/3 cup Crisco (or other brand shortening)
1/4 cup cold water
Measure flour into mixing bowl and mix salt through it. Use pastry blender or two knives in cross cut motion to cut in Crisco, until it looks like big crumbs. The old Betty Crocker book says "until the shortening particles are the size of giant peas" lol.
Sprinkle with water, a tablespoon at a time, mixing lightly until all the flour is moistened. Use really cold water, that will help your pastry turn out flaky. Mix lightly, don't mash it together!
Gather the dough together with fingers so it cleans the bowl and press it firmly into a ball. Wrap with cling wrap and put in the refrigerator until you are ready to roll it out.
Apple Pie Filling
Mix together 3/4 to 1 cup sugar (depends on the tartness of your apples) and 1 teaspoon cinnamon.
Variation: when I use green apples, I use at least 1/4 cup brown sugar and about two tablespoons flour. The flour helps to thicken the juice. If you have juicy apples, add a bit of flour to the cinnamon sugar.
Mix the cinnamon sugar through six to seven cups sliced pared apples.
Flour a surface and a rolling pin. Cut your dough about in half, use the larger half for the bottom crust. Don't add too much extra flour (nobody wants tough crust!). Turn the dough a few times (like a clock) so it doesn't stick.
Roll out your bottom crust and leave an inch hanging over the edge of the pan. Fill with apple mixture, and then dot with 1 1/2 tablespoon butter (cut up into little bits and distribute over the apples).
Roll out your top crust. Moisten the edge of the bottom pastry and ease the top crust evenly onto the pie. Press the edges together to seal. Fold the top edges under, building up a rim. You can make this pretty by pressing with a fork or twisting between your finger and thumb. Cut a few slits to allow steam to escape (this is where I get creative, while the oven heats).
Bake at 425 degrees for 50 to 60 minutes.
If the rim starts to brown too quickly, you can wrap it with a strip of foil to prevent burning. A couple of pies and you'll know how your oven works. Each oven is a bit different. A piece of foil (shiny side down) under the pan will help to catch any filling that spills out during baking.
Apple Crisp
Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Grease an 8" square pan.
Peel and slice about 4 apples, place in pan. (use what you have - if you want more apples than crisp, use more, if you want more crisp, use fewer apples)
Blend until crumbly, then spread over apples:
2/3 to 3/4 cup brown sugar, packed
1/2 cup sifted flour
1/2 cup rolled oats
3/4 tsp cinnamon
3/4 tsp nutmeg
1/3 cup soft butter
Bake 30 to 35 minutes, or until golden brown. Serve warm with ice cream.
Enjoy your delicious apples and the crisp cool fall weather in New England!
This year Celia went apple picking with her new beau, and wants Mom's apple pie recipe. :-)
Two-crust pastry
2 cups sifted flour
1 tsp salt
2/3 cup Crisco (or other brand shortening)
1/4 cup cold water
Measure flour into mixing bowl and mix salt through it. Use pastry blender or two knives in cross cut motion to cut in Crisco, until it looks like big crumbs. The old Betty Crocker book says "until the shortening particles are the size of giant peas" lol.
Sprinkle with water, a tablespoon at a time, mixing lightly until all the flour is moistened. Use really cold water, that will help your pastry turn out flaky. Mix lightly, don't mash it together!
Gather the dough together with fingers so it cleans the bowl and press it firmly into a ball. Wrap with cling wrap and put in the refrigerator until you are ready to roll it out.
Apple Pie Filling
Mix together 3/4 to 1 cup sugar (depends on the tartness of your apples) and 1 teaspoon cinnamon.
Variation: when I use green apples, I use at least 1/4 cup brown sugar and about two tablespoons flour. The flour helps to thicken the juice. If you have juicy apples, add a bit of flour to the cinnamon sugar.
Mix the cinnamon sugar through six to seven cups sliced pared apples.
Flour a surface and a rolling pin. Cut your dough about in half, use the larger half for the bottom crust. Don't add too much extra flour (nobody wants tough crust!). Turn the dough a few times (like a clock) so it doesn't stick.
Roll out your bottom crust and leave an inch hanging over the edge of the pan. Fill with apple mixture, and then dot with 1 1/2 tablespoon butter (cut up into little bits and distribute over the apples).
Roll out your top crust. Moisten the edge of the bottom pastry and ease the top crust evenly onto the pie. Press the edges together to seal. Fold the top edges under, building up a rim. You can make this pretty by pressing with a fork or twisting between your finger and thumb. Cut a few slits to allow steam to escape (this is where I get creative, while the oven heats).
Bake at 425 degrees for 50 to 60 minutes.
If the rim starts to brown too quickly, you can wrap it with a strip of foil to prevent burning. A couple of pies and you'll know how your oven works. Each oven is a bit different. A piece of foil (shiny side down) under the pan will help to catch any filling that spills out during baking.
Apple Crisp
Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Grease an 8" square pan.
Peel and slice about 4 apples, place in pan. (use what you have - if you want more apples than crisp, use more, if you want more crisp, use fewer apples)
Blend until crumbly, then spread over apples:
2/3 to 3/4 cup brown sugar, packed
1/2 cup sifted flour
1/2 cup rolled oats
3/4 tsp cinnamon
3/4 tsp nutmeg
1/3 cup soft butter
Bake 30 to 35 minutes, or until golden brown. Serve warm with ice cream.
Enjoy your delicious apples and the crisp cool fall weather in New England!
Friday, April 13, 2012
Yesterday I worked in the back garden. A few weeks ago I bought two grapevines to use as sermon illustrations. I planted one at the campus ministry building, near a trellis that didn't have anything growing on it. The students planted a Carolina jessamine on the other side, which grows faster and will cover the trellis with pretty yellow blossoms.
The second grapevine came home with me and has been standing in its plastic bag out in our front flower bed (which isn't very flower-y, but that's a project for another day). I dug a nice hole out by the back fence, where we had seven pine trees removed last year. The instructions on the vine said to fill the hole with water, wait for it to be absorbed, then fill in with some nice soil and then plant the vine. It would appear that the soil we have out back is of the clay variety - not very absorbent! Eventually I left it to sit over night.
Meanwhile I dug out three shrubs against the house that I didn't much like. These were up against the chimney. Originally I'd planned to put in an Italian cypress (tall and skinny) there but James doesn't want something that may have roots pushing against the foundation. Plan B is to plant seeds there with a nice metal trellis (which will be purchased after the next payday). James gave me moonflower and morning glory seeds in my birthday gardening basket, and I think they will look nice there. Just have to figure out what to plant that will put a bit of color lower to the ground now.
Of course, as it is with my garden, one project leads to another. The grass has pushed the brick edging so that it has tipped toward the house rather than standing straight up. Working with the bricks isn't easy. They are scalloped cement things that interlock with one another, so if you take one out, the next has to come out and they have to be put back together just so. James came out and saw what I'd gotten stuck into and said that he will help with that part of the project. He was also impressed with my shrub removal - called me Mrs. Muscles!
This morning my devotional reading was all about healing. Jesus healing a girl who had died and healing a woman who had been bleeding for twelve years. That particular passage has come to mind every time I pray in the last week or so. I really resonate with that passage. The agony of not finding healing, the stigma of being an outsider (she was not "clean" and so couldn't be part of the society), and the way she knows hope just by reaching out for his robe, not to spend time with Jesus, not to interrupt his work or speak to him, just to touch the hem of his robe. That hope and certainty is often my prayer. The other scripture readings came from the Psalms and talked about how God hears the cries of God's people and rescues them. I didn't realize that those verses in the Psalm were intertwined with passages about planting and establishing fruitful gardens. Gardening is a labor intensive process. It takes care, attention, hard work, and getting dirty. Perhaps that is a good way to imagine the Spirit at work in my life: caring, paying attention, working on my stubborn ways, digging out the weeds and nurturing the seedlings that will bear fruit.
And now it's time for me to go finish planting that grapevine. It's a good Friday.
The second grapevine came home with me and has been standing in its plastic bag out in our front flower bed (which isn't very flower-y, but that's a project for another day). I dug a nice hole out by the back fence, where we had seven pine trees removed last year. The instructions on the vine said to fill the hole with water, wait for it to be absorbed, then fill in with some nice soil and then plant the vine. It would appear that the soil we have out back is of the clay variety - not very absorbent! Eventually I left it to sit over night.
Meanwhile I dug out three shrubs against the house that I didn't much like. These were up against the chimney. Originally I'd planned to put in an Italian cypress (tall and skinny) there but James doesn't want something that may have roots pushing against the foundation. Plan B is to plant seeds there with a nice metal trellis (which will be purchased after the next payday). James gave me moonflower and morning glory seeds in my birthday gardening basket, and I think they will look nice there. Just have to figure out what to plant that will put a bit of color lower to the ground now.
Of course, as it is with my garden, one project leads to another. The grass has pushed the brick edging so that it has tipped toward the house rather than standing straight up. Working with the bricks isn't easy. They are scalloped cement things that interlock with one another, so if you take one out, the next has to come out and they have to be put back together just so. James came out and saw what I'd gotten stuck into and said that he will help with that part of the project. He was also impressed with my shrub removal - called me Mrs. Muscles!
This morning my devotional reading was all about healing. Jesus healing a girl who had died and healing a woman who had been bleeding for twelve years. That particular passage has come to mind every time I pray in the last week or so. I really resonate with that passage. The agony of not finding healing, the stigma of being an outsider (she was not "clean" and so couldn't be part of the society), and the way she knows hope just by reaching out for his robe, not to spend time with Jesus, not to interrupt his work or speak to him, just to touch the hem of his robe. That hope and certainty is often my prayer. The other scripture readings came from the Psalms and talked about how God hears the cries of God's people and rescues them. I didn't realize that those verses in the Psalm were intertwined with passages about planting and establishing fruitful gardens. Gardening is a labor intensive process. It takes care, attention, hard work, and getting dirty. Perhaps that is a good way to imagine the Spirit at work in my life: caring, paying attention, working on my stubborn ways, digging out the weeds and nurturing the seedlings that will bear fruit.
And now it's time for me to go finish planting that grapevine. It's a good Friday.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
The "Real" Job
My goodness. It's been nearly a year since I wrote a post. I hadn't realized how long I'd let the blog lie fallow.
So much has happened in that time. I worked my retail job at the mall for just over a year. I miss my friends at the store, but I don't miss getting up before dawn and working in the heat and dark, or the pressure and stress. I am at the end of a temporary assignment - church related but not in a church. It's been a hectic but productive six months. I have earned enough to cover tuition for the fall 2012 semester, which is a relief. Once this job ends in May, I won't have a job and I'm not looking for one. More on that in a bit.
In the past year I have also realized that I'd been struggling through a depression. I don't quite know when it started, or how it is that I managed to start coming out of it. The best way I can describe it is sluggish. I just didn't have enough energy for everything that needed to be done. I managed to work the mall job, managed to keep the house clean and the family fed, and managed to pass one comprehensive exam, but each of those just barely. Depression is like molasses - the jar of it sits at the back of the pantry, nearly forgotten behind the often used cinnamon and garlic salt. Molasses is sticky and slow moving. Depression is like that - dark, quiet, sticky. Hard to get over, especially if you don't realize that's the problem.
That one comprehensive exam took all of my energy. My advisors required a retake on two of the three questions, which was a real blow. It was hard to study all over again, but I pulled things together and managed to master the material. I don't quite know how I got so far off track that I lost sight of the path, but I managed to get back on, thanks to the dedication, support and encouragement of my advisor. I will be forever grateful for her kind words and guidance.
This spring we have put in a garden again. My Lenten journey has been spent digging out weeds, turning over soil, mixing in compost, preparing rows and hills, planting seeds and seedlings. James built a compost bin so we are composting all our vegetable waste and yard trimmings. We're making our own mulch, which is a lot harder work than buying bags of it at the big box home improvement store.
Somewhere in all that garden preparation I realized that my income-earning jobs have gotten in the way of my vocation, my "real" job. My vocation is my studies and my teaching. I've discovered through teaching women's groups in the past year that teaching energizes me, and gives me purpose. So when the temporary job ends in May, I will not begin a frantic search for more income. I am already re-focusing on my bibliographies and the next two comprehensive exams. They are my vocation, my calling. It is scary to trust that God will provide if I am faithful to that calling, but that is what I am doing.
Digging out weeds, turning over soil, making preparation for seeds, nurturing tiny new plants - these are good exercises for the soul. I'll try to post pictures of the garden. Gardening gives me hope, and my prayers are turning to hope again as well. It's been a long dark year, but the light of hope is on the horizon. Thanks be to God.
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