Not A Super Woman

There was a movie in the 80s with Diane Keaton called "Baby Boom".  It comes up on reruns now and again.  Funny to watch, with those 80s power suits for women with massive shoulder pads.  And now that I've lived through a New England winter, also funny to watch the main character freak out (although my winter experiences didn't include home repairs or empty water wells).

What isn't funny is the underlying message - as an educated American woman you CAN have it all - home, successful career, romantic love life, friends and family.  You WILL have time to DO IT ALL.  You can be wealthy, healthy, and happy and have a healthy happy family.  Don't worry about the few socks on the floor or toys scattered about, you can clean your house, start a business and not need a nanny.  Oh yeah, and date that cute vet from town too!  Time for everything abounds!  Even one-upping your old corporate bosses!

This is not reality.

I was not a successful college-age student.  My undergraduate program included two universities and two community colleges.  It also included a significant amount of failure and took 13 years to complete. 

Along the way I got married and had two daughters.  For a time, my then husband didn't want me to finish school and threatened to take the children from me (although we were still married so in hindsight it was a hollow threat, but at the time it felt real and scary) if I continued to take classes.  The students at the Methodist Student Center helped to watch my children while I was attending class - one class per semester.  Sometimes the baby came along if I thought she would need to breastfeed during classtime and once she was a show-and-tell of infant reflexes for a kinesiology class.  Eventually I filed for divorce and the girls enrolled in the University lab school and the on-campus day care center.  Somehow I managed to make it through student teaching and graduated.

Also along the way my identity morphed and I didn't even realize it.  "Mother" became my dominant identity.  Throughout my vocation as mother, I have never given up the path of my calling to the ministry.  I thought it was my primary identity - clergywoman.  But as my children have grown from teenagers into young adults, one in college and one nearly there, I am realizing just how dominant that "mother" role has truly been. 

So here I am - having gotten that undergraduate degree but never really using it.  And then a master's degree that led to the clergywoman role, but also to deeper questions and eventually a return to graduate school.  Another master's degree and now most of a doctoral program later - and I'm struggling. 

I have not had it all.  I've managed to raise amazing, intelligent, opinionated, curious, engaged and engaging young women.  But I have struggled in every other area.  My career looks like a crazy quilt.  I have more questions than answers.  I don't feel at home in academia or the church - and frequently make mistakes or missteps in those fields.  I am not a great homemaker (although clearly I love baking!).  And the financial success - well, that is just movie magic. 

And so I find myself on an autumn afternoon, surrounded by books.  Drowning in a sea of words.  Trying to keep outlines sorted out in my head and on my notes.  Preparing for the last written exam of my long academic journey.  Neighbors have already decorated for Christmas and I  haven't begun to think about it - because SuperAmericanWoman is a myth!  I can do some things but in spite of how that verse from Philippians has been twisted, I can't do EVERYTHING through Christ who strengthens me if that means being everything to everyone.

I am at the point in exam prep where I am sure that I will fail, there is no way to cram anything else into my brain.  It happens to come at the point where there are no dinner plans, laundry has piled up, and I have the awful feeling that I've forgotten something important but have no idea what that might be.  It is uncomfortable.

Last exam when I felt this way I went for a nice long walk.  This time around I'm fighting a respiratory infection and listened to a radio program on vulnerability and risk a few days ago.  So in the spirit of vulnerability and being healthy in body, mind and spirit, I am writing out my stress instead of walking it. 

To any woman who might read this:  if culture tries to tell you that you CAN be superwoman, don't buy that myth.  Don't try to be superwoman.  It is exhausting and confusing.  Just .... be. 

Although my vocation and identity seem to be in the middle of switching to a different path, at the heart of it, I am content.  It is deeply peaceful to admit that I'm not superwoman and I can't do it all.  This exam, however?  I will do that through the grace of Christ!

Writing

Yesterday was World AIDS Day, there was a big display at the university. HIV testing, statistics broken out by continent, donations, red ribbons, the whole nine yards. I'm so pleased that this new generation of college students shows compassion for others.

It's writing week, and I'm stuck down into my papers. With each page I give thanks for the opportunity to study and write. It's hard, and I do struggle, but it's worth it. Renews my faith in humanity and God a little each day.

Writing this time is a bit like making a quilt. Scraps of fabric, scattered and seeming not to match or coordinate in any way. Finding ways of stitching them together to make a useful and coherent whole.

Or at least, that's what I imagine quilting is like! (so says the non-sewer)

As usual though, real life intervenes into the academic life. Laundry, a sick child, and a million other details to remember. It is hard to focus. What motivates me to keep at it in part is one of today's daily lectionary readings.

Isaiah 1:10-20 is the whole reading, God calling to the people of Israel, refusing their multitude of prayers and offerings. What God desires is found in verse sixteen: Wash yourselves; make yourselves clean; remove the evil of your doings from before my eyes; cease to do evil, learn to do good; seek justice, rescue the oppressed, defend the orphan, plead for the widow.

Thanksgiving and World AIDS Day remind me to keep God's priorities as my priorities. Seek justice. Rescue the oppressed. Defend the orphan and widow. It is imperative that each of us do something, no matter how small, to work for justice and mercy in this world.

difficult days

Well, it's been difficult days lately. Two friends have suffered deaths in their families. One asked me to preside at the funeral, which I did, and I'm so glad. Really hard, but it was the right thing to do.

The bright spot for me was that James surprised us with a visit. Business in Connecticut for him, lots of smiles and hugs for us. We shared a family favorite meal (deep dish spinach pizza) and show (Survivor!). The simplest things are the ones that matter, and that's what we were able to share. Simply sitting around a table, hearing the girls pray, sharing conversation about the day, laughing over little things.

In the midst of all this, my school is in high gear - last crunch for reading, time to get the writing going, study for exams. Good thing the girls want a simple Thanksgiving, because I won't have time for a big production. They like to help with cooking now, so I'm ready to find out what kind of dishes they want to make for dinner. As long as there is a cranberry-apple pie and a BIG pan of stuffing, I'll be happy.

Today's scripture was Psalm 100 - enter God's gates with thanksgiving. That's not easy when people are hurting, grieving, or struggling. It's not easy when you are lonely or stressed out. But starting with thanks helps to put everything into perspective. There are times when I argue with God about things. There are times I cry to God, and no words will do. Today, talking with the children, it was clear again how to start with gratitude and trust. The Spirit is guiding me, and for that I am deeply grateful.

Bee Nine

Quite difficult to spell, but such a lovely word.

Benign: from the Latin benignus, to beget (how ironic!)
1. of a gentle disposition, gracious
2. showing kindness and gentleness
3. of a mild type or character that does not threaten life or health

Yay! :-) I'm bruised but benign. Quite a nice word to receive this All Hallow's Eve. I should have had a bee costume with the number nine on my back today!

In celebration, I watched last week's episode of Amazing Race. They were in Cambodia and mostly at Angkor Wat and Temple Bayon. Such lovely places, and I feel quite sacred. They showed the steep steps that I climbed to reach the higher levels, and the large Buddha statue at Bayon that I took a photo of just before we left. Such a shame they were just running through and not taking time to sit, breathe and enjoy the serenity. How I wish I could get back there!

For now, I will continue to be grateful to God, and to keep focus on my priorities. There's so much work to do. I think I'll avoid looking at the calendar for the rest of this evening, continue my celebration, and think about school again tomorrow.

Bee number nine signing off! :-)

dishes

Hurricane Ike has affected so many of our friends in Texas. We've heard from many friends that they got just a bit of water, two feet of water, three feet of water, more than five feet of water. Everyone is living somewhere temporary, ripping out carpet, sheetrock, all their damaged things. A few people lost even more, one family's home was damaged in a tornado, another's home burned down.

Every time I have the pleasure of cooking a meal in my kitchen, sitting down at the table to eat with the girls, and then washing up my own plates and cups in the sink, I give thanks. It is a fragile thing, our ordinary lives. How quickly even the simple things can be washed away.

There is a church in the Texas Annual Conference that is doing something ordinary, yet extraordinary. Their choir and Sunday school classes are collecting Christmas ornaments and lights for Christmas trees. They realize that many people on Galveston Island and Bolivar Penninsula are so busy trying to take care of major housing issues they may not be thinking about Christmas.

My Christmas tree is years of memories. The lights - those belong to James and Mary Grace, the patient and technical people in the family. Some ornaments are from my childhood. So many have been gathered through the years and I'm planning to give them to the girls when they move out on their own. Years of memories, so quickly can be washed away.

I do have a regular time set aside for prayer each day, but now I pray every time I do the dishes too. It's an easy way to remember those who are struggling.

Annual Conference and Other Stuff

Last week I was in Houston for Annual Conference - for you non-United Methodists out there, that's the term for our geographic area (east Texas) and for our once a year meeting with all the clergy from our area and lay representatives from every church in our area. I was glad to go, since I love Annual Conference week, and because I got to stay with James!

Arrived on Saturday 24th, a day full of small happinesses. Shopping together, James treating me to new cell phone, so cute and pink! A tour of his new offices and warehouse – suits him so much, very neat and tidy. Picking out a few groceries together, grilling steaks and corn for dinner. He made me a cup of herbal tea with local honey when my cough started up again. Small happinesses. Years ago he told me that it was the small things all added up that make a difference in life. Certainly spending time doing the everyday things of life with my husband is a well of small happinesses. Oh yeah, don’t forget the Blue Bell Dutch Chocolate ice cream! My, oh my, how I’ve missed Blue Bell ice cream.

Yesterday was our eighth wedding anniversary. The local grocery store has started carrying Appletizer, so the girls and I toasted with a glass of bubbly apple juice, a real taste of South Africa. Yummy. Just like our wedding was more than the day, the celebration this year has been spread out over several days too. Wonderful! We are very blessed.

More posts about Annual Conference and running in Houston to come.

Thanksgiving 2007

It's Thanksgiving, time to tell God what we're truly grateful for in our lives, and have some turkey too. There's so much that I'm grateful for.

A few years ago, I kept a daily gratitude journal. Each evening I'd write down three things that I was grateful for, as a sort of prayer. Reading back over them, it was the simple things that I wrote over and over - a cup of tea, a hug from my daughters, my husband, flowers, even oatmeal made the list several times!

It is the simple things that I'm most grateful for - they are what makes life worth it. When James makes me a cup of tea, it's not earth shattering. World peace doesn't break out. Problems don't magically disappear. But I know, without a doubt, that he loves me. He shows that he cares in a very simple way. And I am so grateful for that and for him.

Other Thanksgiving gratitudes: my daughters, fall in New England, Macoun apples, new books to read, my professors, the challenge of new things to learn, the support and love of family, and the unfailing love of God.

What are you grateful for this Thanksgiving?