It is mid-April, which means spring is coming to a close here in coastal Texas. Mary Grace and I have been planting. I put in three tomato plants at the back of the house, where an overgrown Indian hawthorne used to be. Took a full morning to dig it out, and I had to use the big pickaxe to get it done, but it was well worth it. We already have tomatoes growing on the vines!
I also put in a Don Juan climbing rose bush. It's very small still, but produced two blossoms within its first month. Fragrant burgundy flowers, such a joy.
Mary Grace put in a big garden with help from her grandpa. He tilled up a patch out in the back yard, and she's put in tomatoes, cucumbers, strawberries, eggplant, lettuce, squash, carrots and beans. It's not big, just a few of each of those, but it looks great. James' fig tree already has a tiny fig on it as well.
I have some herbs to put in a big pot, and planted a small rosemary just outside my meditation garden. It will get to be a big shrub if I take good care of it.
I have lots of other gardening plans, but can only do a little bit at a time. The yard and flowerbeds have such promise, and my dreams for them are quite big. However, there is only so much time in a day, and only so much money to fill out those dreams. So the garden requires that I exercise patience. Patience when I come out to water and want to get to working in it, but know that my priorities must lie elsewhere.
Patience seems to be a lesson I have to learn over and over in my life. I'm waiting to hear back from a friend today. An old dear friend who even after years and years still knows me very well, and whose advice I treasure. But my friend doesn't use the computer the way I do, and so doesn't answer email or use Facebook for the very-nearly-instant-response that I've come to expect with everything else in life.
As I recall, I preached on this very topic a few years ago. Patience. Don't rush, don't be in a hurry, be patient and listen for the nudging of the Spirit.
And here I am, not listening or watching for the Spirit, but checking my phone and computer every five minutes. Silly! The discussion goes round and round in my mind - be patient, am I learning that AGAIN? Still? Be patient. Things will work out, it's worth the wait. Good things come to those who wait. Those who wait will be lifted up.
And then I go check again.
Why is patience such a hard lesson to learn?
Perhaps I should go look at the gardenia buds, and how they are taking their sweet time to unfurl. Perhaps I should go look at the tiny green tomatoes. Take a lesson from nature and her slow unfolding of the beauty and blessings of waiting for the right season. In time, I will know the certainty of the nudging of the Spirit again.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Catch and Release
While it may have been weeks and weeks ago that I last blogged, the thoughts of that post have not been far from my mind. I decided to view it through a catch and release framework.
You see, I'm a master of self-judgment. Thinking about friendships that I'd let go or a project that never seemed to get finished, those are the kinds of things that I can mentally beat myself up over - and over - and over! I'm good at THAT.
I thought that perhaps most people have this internal self-critical dialogue going and we just don't talk about it. But then I realized that an acquaintance of mine really doesn't have that internal self-critic going at all. For maybe a few minutes, but then she's right back on the blame everybody else bandwagon! It's never her fault, she is always innocent. She tries her best at everything and doesn't hold herself liable for anything. She's right. Even when I can clearly see that she's NOT right, she firmly believes that she is. It can be difficult to have conversations with this person, because it's hard to be honest with someone who is just so incredibly selfish and spoiled.
So that led me to think about the extremes and a middle ground, a place of balance. If my inner self-critic voice is the loudest voice, that is just as much of an extreme as the selfish voice. Where is the middle ground? The catch and release framework is helping me to find my place of balance and peace, in the middle ground between selfishness and self-critique.
When I think about friendships that I've let go, the inner critic says that I've been a lousy friend. So I caught those thoughts and examined them for what has really happened. Sometimes, the friendships were one way. The responsibility for making contact, doing the traveling to meet up, or providing emotional support were imbalanced. A friendship should be give and take over time, not one sided over time. So in those cases, I decided to release the critical voice and let it go. It was time to let those imbalanced friendships go. Sometimes the friendships just weren't strong enough to last. And it's okay.
When I think about my ongoing office project (yeah, that's right, it's still a work in progress) I have been much easier on myself. Writing about it here and in my journal has helped me to see my procrastination and avoidance of office work for what it is - and not as a failure on my part in housekeeping 101. When I had a staff position at a church and a fabulous office manager, I had a great filing system. My fabulous office manager set it up for me! It's not easy for me to do the filing when it's overwhelming. I've caught up the inner critic, examined it for what it is, and released it. No surprise that the office project is coming along, bit by bit. It's a working space now, with my priorities up front where I can reach them (books and binders). Those old records and files? They can wait.
Applying catch and release to my vocation - that is the next step. I don't quite understand what it is that God has called me to do, what shape that will take or how it will play out. It was much easier when I was working on my masters leading to ordination - that path is quite clearly defined. The only question was "where". Now the questions are what, where, how, when? What will I be doing? Where will I do that? How will I support myself until then, and maybe even through it? When will this come to pass? I know those questions don't have answers yet, and I'm okay with that. But some days, trying to focus and study on my own, without my fellow students around me, without a church and clergy colleagues around me... some days it's just hard to hear God. Those days it feels a lot like a valley of dry bones.
So I catch and release, let go of the inner critic voice, and try to focus on the work in front of me again.
You see, I'm a master of self-judgment. Thinking about friendships that I'd let go or a project that never seemed to get finished, those are the kinds of things that I can mentally beat myself up over - and over - and over! I'm good at THAT.
I thought that perhaps most people have this internal self-critical dialogue going and we just don't talk about it. But then I realized that an acquaintance of mine really doesn't have that internal self-critic going at all. For maybe a few minutes, but then she's right back on the blame everybody else bandwagon! It's never her fault, she is always innocent. She tries her best at everything and doesn't hold herself liable for anything. She's right. Even when I can clearly see that she's NOT right, she firmly believes that she is. It can be difficult to have conversations with this person, because it's hard to be honest with someone who is just so incredibly selfish and spoiled.
So that led me to think about the extremes and a middle ground, a place of balance. If my inner self-critic voice is the loudest voice, that is just as much of an extreme as the selfish voice. Where is the middle ground? The catch and release framework is helping me to find my place of balance and peace, in the middle ground between selfishness and self-critique.
When I think about friendships that I've let go, the inner critic says that I've been a lousy friend. So I caught those thoughts and examined them for what has really happened. Sometimes, the friendships were one way. The responsibility for making contact, doing the traveling to meet up, or providing emotional support were imbalanced. A friendship should be give and take over time, not one sided over time. So in those cases, I decided to release the critical voice and let it go. It was time to let those imbalanced friendships go. Sometimes the friendships just weren't strong enough to last. And it's okay.
When I think about my ongoing office project (yeah, that's right, it's still a work in progress) I have been much easier on myself. Writing about it here and in my journal has helped me to see my procrastination and avoidance of office work for what it is - and not as a failure on my part in housekeeping 101. When I had a staff position at a church and a fabulous office manager, I had a great filing system. My fabulous office manager set it up for me! It's not easy for me to do the filing when it's overwhelming. I've caught up the inner critic, examined it for what it is, and released it. No surprise that the office project is coming along, bit by bit. It's a working space now, with my priorities up front where I can reach them (books and binders). Those old records and files? They can wait.
Applying catch and release to my vocation - that is the next step. I don't quite understand what it is that God has called me to do, what shape that will take or how it will play out. It was much easier when I was working on my masters leading to ordination - that path is quite clearly defined. The only question was "where". Now the questions are what, where, how, when? What will I be doing? Where will I do that? How will I support myself until then, and maybe even through it? When will this come to pass? I know those questions don't have answers yet, and I'm okay with that. But some days, trying to focus and study on my own, without my fellow students around me, without a church and clergy colleagues around me... some days it's just hard to hear God. Those days it feels a lot like a valley of dry bones.
So I catch and release, let go of the inner critic voice, and try to focus on the work in front of me again.
Monday, January 17, 2011
New Year, Past Reflections
When I moved back to my house, I began a project to organize and create a home office. We have a bedroom upstairs that has been called "the office" ever since we bought the house, but it hasn't been organized in years. No one can function in there.
We had renters in the house for a while when we lived in Galveston. They didn't treat the house kindly. When we discovered that they had moved out it was quite a shock. Electric box red tagged (we obviously weren't the only ones not getting paid) and weeds as high as four feet tall in the back garden. Stains all over the carpets. Black permanent marker on some walls. Red marker on others. Black ink pen on the walls in Celia's room. James was beyond himself.
He moved back in and started the long slow recovery process. Our back garden still doesn't have the grass as lush and thick as it once was. It's an ongoing battle against weeds. A different type of grass has invaded and chokes out the Augustine, but we keep trying.
We repainted Celia's room the same color, her favorite light blue. Later we repainted Mary Grace's room - one wall an apple green and the other two a tropical turquoise, with a black desk and dresser in two shades of purple. I matched the original paint in their bathroom and repainted it as well. Most of the rest of the house is the original builder's off-white, and does need repainting, but we don't have the funds for that big of a job quite yet.
James and I decided to rent a carpet cleaner in the coming months and try to clean up the carpets ourselves. We'll see how that goes!
But the office. ~sigh~ Packing up and moving out of the Galveston house was difficult. We were in a tough spot financially and emotionally. I think I must have let the office go while settling into my job there, and not filed much or even tried to organize things, leaving them in the moving boxes. And back they went in their moving boxes. Add to those the boxes from my office when I left the Galveston job, and the boxes from the apartment there. Add to those the papers from James' office when he left two jobs. Add to those all the (endless it seems) papers that arrive in our mail box - bills, mortgage information, insurance information, tax papers. I didn't make things any easier adding another filing cabinet from Boston and more boxes of personal papers.
So last June I found myself starting in on a project that turned into a massive project. Sorting and filing. Shredding and pitching.
Here I sit in January, still working on things. I've moved furniture around a few times, broken a bookshelf (note to self: take books out first next time) and made some progress. James and the girls have all helped at one point or another. But the project is Not Yet Done. I really REALLY want this project to be done soon. (is that a resolution?)
In clearing things out, I have found lots of old interesting stuff. One is a coaster with a pretty pink flower painted on it, with a bright green center. It is surrounded by screen names - a group of women who were my trusted confidantes some years ago. Witmoat - who I met for lunch in Houston one sunny afternoon. Zoey, Lisbet - who came to have dinner with me in Galveston. Holly, Sorcha. Em, Torchy, JL, Daednu, Bethany and Waterbaby. And Sapph, who made the coasters for us all. Reading their names made me realize how many friends I have had over the years... and that I have not always been a good friend. Thoughts of so many friends have been occupying a corner of my mind for a couple days now, which is a blog for another day.
New year, past reflections. Time to put hands to the work of sorting, filing, assessing, and making plans to move forward.
We had renters in the house for a while when we lived in Galveston. They didn't treat the house kindly. When we discovered that they had moved out it was quite a shock. Electric box red tagged (we obviously weren't the only ones not getting paid) and weeds as high as four feet tall in the back garden. Stains all over the carpets. Black permanent marker on some walls. Red marker on others. Black ink pen on the walls in Celia's room. James was beyond himself.
He moved back in and started the long slow recovery process. Our back garden still doesn't have the grass as lush and thick as it once was. It's an ongoing battle against weeds. A different type of grass has invaded and chokes out the Augustine, but we keep trying.
We repainted Celia's room the same color, her favorite light blue. Later we repainted Mary Grace's room - one wall an apple green and the other two a tropical turquoise, with a black desk and dresser in two shades of purple. I matched the original paint in their bathroom and repainted it as well. Most of the rest of the house is the original builder's off-white, and does need repainting, but we don't have the funds for that big of a job quite yet.
James and I decided to rent a carpet cleaner in the coming months and try to clean up the carpets ourselves. We'll see how that goes!
But the office. ~sigh~ Packing up and moving out of the Galveston house was difficult. We were in a tough spot financially and emotionally. I think I must have let the office go while settling into my job there, and not filed much or even tried to organize things, leaving them in the moving boxes. And back they went in their moving boxes. Add to those the boxes from my office when I left the Galveston job, and the boxes from the apartment there. Add to those the papers from James' office when he left two jobs. Add to those all the (endless it seems) papers that arrive in our mail box - bills, mortgage information, insurance information, tax papers. I didn't make things any easier adding another filing cabinet from Boston and more boxes of personal papers.
So last June I found myself starting in on a project that turned into a massive project. Sorting and filing. Shredding and pitching.
Here I sit in January, still working on things. I've moved furniture around a few times, broken a bookshelf (note to self: take books out first next time) and made some progress. James and the girls have all helped at one point or another. But the project is Not Yet Done. I really REALLY want this project to be done soon. (is that a resolution?)
In clearing things out, I have found lots of old interesting stuff. One is a coaster with a pretty pink flower painted on it, with a bright green center. It is surrounded by screen names - a group of women who were my trusted confidantes some years ago. Witmoat - who I met for lunch in Houston one sunny afternoon. Zoey, Lisbet - who came to have dinner with me in Galveston. Holly, Sorcha. Em, Torchy, JL, Daednu, Bethany and Waterbaby. And Sapph, who made the coasters for us all. Reading their names made me realize how many friends I have had over the years... and that I have not always been a good friend. Thoughts of so many friends have been occupying a corner of my mind for a couple days now, which is a blog for another day.
New year, past reflections. Time to put hands to the work of sorting, filing, assessing, and making plans to move forward.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
The Sorta-Monthly Blog Post, Year End Edition
Hello my bloggy world.
It's December 30, 2010. Tomorrow is year's end. Time for reflections, closings, endings, and looking aheads.
The past year has clearly been difficult, as my blog attests. It's ending on a positive note. I'm employed! A rather large department store at the mall hired me for the "signing team". This means I show up a couple mornings a week at a terribly early hour and "flip the sale". This means turning all the pricing signs to the current day's prices, as well as putting up all the special signs for sales. Not the really big signs, that's for some other team. The senior members of my team each have a rolling cart and a designated department. I'm roving helper (but I really want my very own cart! lol). It's humble but it's good honest work and I'm grateful for it. I'm a bit puzzled that I'm now dependent for income on the very consumer culture that I critique so heavily, but at least in the solitary twilight of retail mornings there is plenty of time for theological reflection (they don't turn on all the lights or the music system, and I work alone).
The other positive note - and just as happy-making as earning an income - is that I'm writing again. As I write this blog I am half way through my very last academic coursework paper. When I finish it tomorrow and ship it off via email, I can say that I'm ready to move on to the next phase of my program. It feels good to be productive again!
Looking over my blog, I realized that last year and this one I only posted about once a month. I hope to post more often next year. 2010 has been difficult, but overall a good year. Lots of good memories made, some adventures, good challenges to face. As I think about what I would like to accomplish in the coming year, I would like to be more diligent about this blog. Some posts about life in general as I've done lately but more about mission and other theological issues.
Many people will make New Year's Resolutions in the next few days. Last year one of mine was to floss more. I do now! :-) In 2011, I want to (aside from blogging more) complete my comprehensive examinations and submit my dissertation proposal; exercise more regularly; make a hike that requires a backpack and camping on the trail (not too long); run another 5k; and various financial goals.
Now that these resolutions for 2011 are out here on the great weird wide web, I suppose someone will ask me about them in March - here's hoping that I'll remember!
Best wishes for a fantastic celebration to ring in the new year, dear readers!
It's December 30, 2010. Tomorrow is year's end. Time for reflections, closings, endings, and looking aheads.
The past year has clearly been difficult, as my blog attests. It's ending on a positive note. I'm employed! A rather large department store at the mall hired me for the "signing team". This means I show up a couple mornings a week at a terribly early hour and "flip the sale". This means turning all the pricing signs to the current day's prices, as well as putting up all the special signs for sales. Not the really big signs, that's for some other team. The senior members of my team each have a rolling cart and a designated department. I'm roving helper (but I really want my very own cart! lol). It's humble but it's good honest work and I'm grateful for it. I'm a bit puzzled that I'm now dependent for income on the very consumer culture that I critique so heavily, but at least in the solitary twilight of retail mornings there is plenty of time for theological reflection (they don't turn on all the lights or the music system, and I work alone).
The other positive note - and just as happy-making as earning an income - is that I'm writing again. As I write this blog I am half way through my very last academic coursework paper. When I finish it tomorrow and ship it off via email, I can say that I'm ready to move on to the next phase of my program. It feels good to be productive again!
Looking over my blog, I realized that last year and this one I only posted about once a month. I hope to post more often next year. 2010 has been difficult, but overall a good year. Lots of good memories made, some adventures, good challenges to face. As I think about what I would like to accomplish in the coming year, I would like to be more diligent about this blog. Some posts about life in general as I've done lately but more about mission and other theological issues.
Many people will make New Year's Resolutions in the next few days. Last year one of mine was to floss more. I do now! :-) In 2011, I want to (aside from blogging more) complete my comprehensive examinations and submit my dissertation proposal; exercise more regularly; make a hike that requires a backpack and camping on the trail (not too long); run another 5k; and various financial goals.
Now that these resolutions for 2011 are out here on the great weird wide web, I suppose someone will ask me about them in March - here's hoping that I'll remember!
Best wishes for a fantastic celebration to ring in the new year, dear readers!
Friday, November 19, 2010
Earn Money By Blogging!
One of the national morning news programs had a story today on "how to make money with your blog". There were the usual tips - write about what you are passionate about, use social networking, find advertisers. Another suggestion was to write every day, although I've read that bloggers should have a set schedule such as publishing twice a week (Monday and Thursday, not everyday).
It was surprising to hear that some of the bloggers are earning more just by writing than I was earning for the last two years working in the church. "I could do that" says the little voice in my head. "But you wouldn't write every day" says the other little voice. "And besides, who'd want to read it?" Drat that other little voice.
It is a depressing little voice. It's the one that is loudest when I'm at home alone. The one that is hardest to ignore. The one that erodes my confidence, questions my abilities.
I thought that living back at home would be easier than living in Boston, so far away from my family. And it has been easier in some ways - it is SO good to have family dinners, to give hugs and kisses, to appreciate my home and kitchen. But in other ways, it is so difficult, ways that I didn't anticipate.
I haven't had a job since May. I didn't think that it would eat at me the way it does. I figured that it would be hard to find a job, but that I could focus on my studies, on my family, on my house. At first that was true, but as time has gone on it has gotten increasingly more difficult. Knowing that we need additional income is always on my mind. I think about looking for work all the time. I worry about it, try to be positive about it, but there's that nasty negative little voice in my head getting louder by the day. I've gone from talking to the church about opportunities and possibilities to applying at bookstores, the mall, and local grocery stores. I've applied at UPS for seasonal help, searched for jobs on Craigslist, and filled out applications in person. They aren't hiring. At least, they aren't hiring middle aged female clergy with too many college degrees.
And then there was that morning news program, telling me I could earn money by blogging. Hmph. I don't write about fashion or travel or video games, so I doubt there is money to be made here. But I do think that writing about my experience is helpful - if to no one else, at least to me. In every difficult situation I can learn something - about the world, about people, about myself. And so I get up every day and put one foot in front of the other. I keep praying, keep reading, keep moving forward, and keep telling that negative little voice it's wrong, and try to keep writing about mission (what I'm passionate about!) in my academic work rather than on the internet. God willing, it will all work out.
It was surprising to hear that some of the bloggers are earning more just by writing than I was earning for the last two years working in the church. "I could do that" says the little voice in my head. "But you wouldn't write every day" says the other little voice. "And besides, who'd want to read it?" Drat that other little voice.
It is a depressing little voice. It's the one that is loudest when I'm at home alone. The one that is hardest to ignore. The one that erodes my confidence, questions my abilities.
I thought that living back at home would be easier than living in Boston, so far away from my family. And it has been easier in some ways - it is SO good to have family dinners, to give hugs and kisses, to appreciate my home and kitchen. But in other ways, it is so difficult, ways that I didn't anticipate.
I haven't had a job since May. I didn't think that it would eat at me the way it does. I figured that it would be hard to find a job, but that I could focus on my studies, on my family, on my house. At first that was true, but as time has gone on it has gotten increasingly more difficult. Knowing that we need additional income is always on my mind. I think about looking for work all the time. I worry about it, try to be positive about it, but there's that nasty negative little voice in my head getting louder by the day. I've gone from talking to the church about opportunities and possibilities to applying at bookstores, the mall, and local grocery stores. I've applied at UPS for seasonal help, searched for jobs on Craigslist, and filled out applications in person. They aren't hiring. At least, they aren't hiring middle aged female clergy with too many college degrees.
And then there was that morning news program, telling me I could earn money by blogging. Hmph. I don't write about fashion or travel or video games, so I doubt there is money to be made here. But I do think that writing about my experience is helpful - if to no one else, at least to me. In every difficult situation I can learn something - about the world, about people, about myself. And so I get up every day and put one foot in front of the other. I keep praying, keep reading, keep moving forward, and keep telling that negative little voice it's wrong, and try to keep writing about mission (what I'm passionate about!) in my academic work rather than on the internet. God willing, it will all work out.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Work in Progress
I'm working on a paper that I've been expanding/editing for some time now. It's on the table in front of me, open to a page that has this handwritten note at the top: partial completion, works in progress.
That's a really good way to describe SO much in my life right now. This paper is a work in progress. Not much progress has been made on it. Work on it was much more productive yesterday and a few days ago. Today has been difficult. Uphill, downhill, breakthrough, hitting the wall. It is frustrating not to be able to write like I did two years ago. I'm doing all the right things - sitting down to write whether it's productive or not, having all the necessary materials, etc. But the words don't come - it's as though I used up my quota of new or creative thoughts. That's it! No more clever ideas! You're done! Next in line please!
My house is also a work in progress. My office is finally coming together as a real home office. This summer I did a lot of clearing out of clutter and unnecessary paperwork. It felt good to be clearing out. But it's still a work in progress, not yet done. A number of things got in the way of this project (good things!) and now I don't quite know where to pick up on it again. And there's so many other little projects that I see now that I'm back in the house full time. Overwhelming!
My body seems to be a work in progress too. I meant to start on a weight loss effort after a rather shocking step onto a friend's scale. Rather than go on a diet or exercise routine, I got a root canal. It went terribly wrong. Couldn't eat much, only chewing on one side of my mouth, and then it turned into an abscess which meant only liquids. Two crazy months, and at least 10 pounds later, I got my tooth all sorted out. Time now to focus on eating right and exercising again - another work in progress.
Partial completion, work in progress. Reminds me of John Wesley's understanding of sanctifying grace. When someone recognizes God's grace at work in their life, they make changes in how they live. It's not just about a one-time change, it's about a change in a way of life. That way of life means paying attention to the work of God in one's life and in the world around you. It's an ongoing process, to pay attention to the work of the Spirit, to get rid of the clutter in your heart and mind, to make changes to be more just, more merciful. Wesley called it moving on to perfection - a work in progress. A lot like my life.
That's a really good way to describe SO much in my life right now. This paper is a work in progress. Not much progress has been made on it. Work on it was much more productive yesterday and a few days ago. Today has been difficult. Uphill, downhill, breakthrough, hitting the wall. It is frustrating not to be able to write like I did two years ago. I'm doing all the right things - sitting down to write whether it's productive or not, having all the necessary materials, etc. But the words don't come - it's as though I used up my quota of new or creative thoughts. That's it! No more clever ideas! You're done! Next in line please!
My house is also a work in progress. My office is finally coming together as a real home office. This summer I did a lot of clearing out of clutter and unnecessary paperwork. It felt good to be clearing out. But it's still a work in progress, not yet done. A number of things got in the way of this project (good things!) and now I don't quite know where to pick up on it again. And there's so many other little projects that I see now that I'm back in the house full time. Overwhelming!
My body seems to be a work in progress too. I meant to start on a weight loss effort after a rather shocking step onto a friend's scale. Rather than go on a diet or exercise routine, I got a root canal. It went terribly wrong. Couldn't eat much, only chewing on one side of my mouth, and then it turned into an abscess which meant only liquids. Two crazy months, and at least 10 pounds later, I got my tooth all sorted out. Time now to focus on eating right and exercising again - another work in progress.
Partial completion, work in progress. Reminds me of John Wesley's understanding of sanctifying grace. When someone recognizes God's grace at work in their life, they make changes in how they live. It's not just about a one-time change, it's about a change in a way of life. That way of life means paying attention to the work of God in one's life and in the world around you. It's an ongoing process, to pay attention to the work of the Spirit, to get rid of the clutter in your heart and mind, to make changes to be more just, more merciful. Wesley called it moving on to perfection - a work in progress. A lot like my life.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Struggles
A friend said to me yesterday "why don't you write about something else that you love, and try to get yourself jump started that way?" Such great advice.
For nearly a year I have struggled with writer's block. It seems that despite the multitude of thoughts running through my head, I just couldn't write anything. My papers are below par, some I have postponed, and I've only written two sermons and a couple newsletter articles. It has been beyond frustrating.
This summer I had the opportunity to teach a class on women in mission. It felt right to be teaching. However, it did lead to lots of questions about my degree program and where I am in the process. It is embarrassing to admit that while my classmates are all working on their comprehensive exams, I'm still working on my coursework. Dratted writing block. Even my college freshman daughter is giving me advice on how to write papers now. Humiliating.
There are a million distractions, some of them seem quite worthy. And that's been part of my struggle. I'm doing things that are important, but they aren't the work that I've been called to do. Which leads to another aspect of my struggle - I've been praying and praying about it but don't seem to get any answer. It's as if God isn't listening. Or perhaps God is listening but isn't answering. It's difficult to hang onto faith through such a long dry spell.
When my friend said that I should write about something that I love, I immediately thought of writing a sermon. I love preaching. And so I looked up the scriptures for this coming Sunday: Year C Proper 24
First Timothy 4:5 says: As for you, always be sober, endure suffering, do the work of an evangelist, carry out your ministry fully.
Luke 18:7 says: And will not God grant justice to his chosen ones who cry out to him day and night? Will he delay long in helping them?
If I was going to write a sermon on this Sunday's lectionary readings, it would be a sermon for an audience of one: me. Clearly the Spirit is working here. I see in these readings a clear message of persistence and faith. It's as though the Spirit is saying "don't give up! hold fast to your dream, do the work set before you, no matter how hard."
Just the other day a high school sophomore asked me to edit an English paper of hers on persistence and diligence, sort of an encouragement essay. I suppose I should have been reading more for content than for grammar! It seems the Spirit is speaking in that direction, and I am listening, through the struggle, through the doubt, through the inertia, toward the Call.
For nearly a year I have struggled with writer's block. It seems that despite the multitude of thoughts running through my head, I just couldn't write anything. My papers are below par, some I have postponed, and I've only written two sermons and a couple newsletter articles. It has been beyond frustrating.
This summer I had the opportunity to teach a class on women in mission. It felt right to be teaching. However, it did lead to lots of questions about my degree program and where I am in the process. It is embarrassing to admit that while my classmates are all working on their comprehensive exams, I'm still working on my coursework. Dratted writing block. Even my college freshman daughter is giving me advice on how to write papers now. Humiliating.
There are a million distractions, some of them seem quite worthy. And that's been part of my struggle. I'm doing things that are important, but they aren't the work that I've been called to do. Which leads to another aspect of my struggle - I've been praying and praying about it but don't seem to get any answer. It's as if God isn't listening. Or perhaps God is listening but isn't answering. It's difficult to hang onto faith through such a long dry spell.
When my friend said that I should write about something that I love, I immediately thought of writing a sermon. I love preaching. And so I looked up the scriptures for this coming Sunday: Year C Proper 24
First Timothy 4:5 says: As for you, always be sober, endure suffering, do the work of an evangelist, carry out your ministry fully.
Luke 18:7 says: And will not God grant justice to his chosen ones who cry out to him day and night? Will he delay long in helping them?
If I was going to write a sermon on this Sunday's lectionary readings, it would be a sermon for an audience of one: me. Clearly the Spirit is working here. I see in these readings a clear message of persistence and faith. It's as though the Spirit is saying "don't give up! hold fast to your dream, do the work set before you, no matter how hard."
Just the other day a high school sophomore asked me to edit an English paper of hers on persistence and diligence, sort of an encouragement essay. I suppose I should have been reading more for content than for grammar! It seems the Spirit is speaking in that direction, and I am listening, through the struggle, through the doubt, through the inertia, toward the Call.
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