The "Real" Job

My goodness. It's been nearly a year since I wrote a post. I hadn't realized how long I'd let the blog lie fallow. So much has happened in that time. I worked my retail job at the mall for just over a year. I miss my friends at the store, but I don't miss getting up before dawn and working in the heat and dark, or the pressure and stress. I am at the end of a temporary assignment - church related but not in a church. It's been a hectic but productive six months. I have earned enough to cover tuition for the fall 2012 semester, which is a relief. Once this job ends in May, I won't have a job and I'm not looking for one. More on that in a bit. In the past year I have also realized that I'd been struggling through a depression. I don't quite know when it started, or how it is that I managed to start coming out of it. The best way I can describe it is sluggish. I just didn't have enough energy for everything that needed to be done. I managed to work the mall job, managed to keep the house clean and the family fed, and managed to pass one comprehensive exam, but each of those just barely. Depression is like molasses - the jar of it sits at the back of the pantry, nearly forgotten behind the often used cinnamon and garlic salt. Molasses is sticky and slow moving. Depression is like that - dark, quiet, sticky. Hard to get over, especially if you don't realize that's the problem. That one comprehensive exam took all of my energy. My advisors required a retake on two of the three questions, which was a real blow. It was hard to study all over again, but I pulled things together and managed to master the material. I don't quite know how I got so far off track that I lost sight of the path, but I managed to get back on, thanks to the dedication, support and encouragement of my advisor. I will be forever grateful for her kind words and guidance. This spring we have put in a garden again. My Lenten journey has been spent digging out weeds, turning over soil, mixing in compost, preparing rows and hills, planting seeds and seedlings. James built a compost bin so we are composting all our vegetable waste and yard trimmings. We're making our own mulch, which is a lot harder work than buying bags of it at the big box home improvement store. Somewhere in all that garden preparation I realized that my income-earning jobs have gotten in the way of my vocation, my "real" job. My vocation is my studies and my teaching. I've discovered through teaching women's groups in the past year that teaching energizes me, and gives me purpose. So when the temporary job ends in May, I will not begin a frantic search for more income. I am already re-focusing on my bibliographies and the next two comprehensive exams. They are my vocation, my calling. It is scary to trust that God will provide if I am faithful to that calling, but that is what I am doing. Digging out weeds, turning over soil, making preparation for seeds, nurturing tiny new plants - these are good exercises for the soul. I'll try to post pictures of the garden. Gardening gives me hope, and my prayers are turning to hope again as well. It's been a long dark year, but the light of hope is on the horizon. Thanks be to God.