There was a movie in the 80s with Diane Keaton called "Baby Boom". It comes up on reruns now and again. Funny to watch, with those 80s power suits for women with massive shoulder pads. And now that I've lived through a New England winter, also funny to watch the main character freak out (although my winter experiences didn't include home repairs or empty water wells).
What isn't funny is the underlying message - as an educated American woman you CAN have it all - home, successful career, romantic love life, friends and family. You WILL have time to DO IT ALL. You can be wealthy, healthy, and happy and have a healthy happy family. Don't worry about the few socks on the floor or toys scattered about, you can clean your house, start a business and not need a nanny. Oh yeah, and date that cute vet from town too! Time for everything abounds! Even one-upping your old corporate bosses!
This is not reality.
I was not a successful college-age student. My undergraduate program included two universities and two community colleges. It also included a significant amount of failure and took 13 years to complete.
Along the way I got married and had two daughters. For a time, my then husband didn't want me to finish school and threatened to take the children from me (although we were still married so in hindsight it was a hollow threat, but at the time it felt real and scary) if I continued to take classes. The students at the Methodist Student Center helped to watch my children while I was attending class - one class per semester. Sometimes the baby came along if I thought she would need to breastfeed during classtime and once she was a show-and-tell of infant reflexes for a kinesiology class. Eventually I filed for divorce and the girls enrolled in the University lab school and the on-campus day care center. Somehow I managed to make it through student teaching and graduated.
Also along the way my identity morphed and I didn't even realize it. "Mother" became my dominant identity. Throughout my vocation as mother, I have never given up the path of my calling to the ministry. I thought it was my primary identity - clergywoman. But as my children have grown from teenagers into young adults, one in college and one nearly there, I am realizing just how dominant that "mother" role has truly been.
So here I am - having gotten that undergraduate degree but never really using it. And then a master's degree that led to the clergywoman role, but also to deeper questions and eventually a return to graduate school. Another master's degree and now most of a doctoral program later - and I'm struggling.
I have not had it all. I've managed to raise amazing, intelligent, opinionated, curious, engaged and engaging young women. But I have struggled in every other area. My career looks like a crazy quilt. I have more questions than answers. I don't feel at home in academia or the church - and frequently make mistakes or missteps in those fields. I am not a great homemaker (although clearly I love baking!). And the financial success - well, that is just movie magic.
And so I find myself on an autumn afternoon, surrounded by books. Drowning in a sea of words. Trying to keep outlines sorted out in my head and on my notes. Preparing for the last written exam of my long academic journey. Neighbors have already decorated for Christmas and I haven't begun to think about it - because SuperAmericanWoman is a myth! I can do some things but in spite of how that verse from Philippians has been twisted, I can't do EVERYTHING through Christ who strengthens me if that means being everything to everyone.
I am at the point in exam prep where I am sure that I will fail, there is no way to cram anything else into my brain. It happens to come at the point where there are no dinner plans, laundry has piled up, and I have the awful feeling that I've forgotten something important but have no idea what that might be. It is uncomfortable.
Last exam when I felt this way I went for a nice long walk. This time around I'm fighting a respiratory infection and listened to a radio program on vulnerability and risk a few days ago. So in the spirit of vulnerability and being healthy in body, mind and spirit, I am writing out my stress instead of walking it.
To any woman who might read this: if culture tries to tell you that you CAN be superwoman, don't buy that myth. Don't try to be superwoman. It is exhausting and confusing. Just .... be.
Although my vocation and identity seem to be in the middle of switching to a different path, at the heart of it, I am content. It is deeply peaceful to admit that I'm not superwoman and I can't do it all. This exam, however? I will do that through the grace of Christ!
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