There was a movie in the 80s with Diane Keaton called "Baby Boom". It comes up on reruns now and again. Funny to watch, with those 80s power suits for women with massive shoulder pads. And now that I've lived through a New England winter, also funny to watch the main character freak out (although my winter experiences didn't include home repairs or empty water wells).
What isn't funny is the underlying message - as an educated American woman you CAN have it all - home, successful career, romantic love life, friends and family. You WILL have time to DO IT ALL. You can be wealthy, healthy, and happy and have a healthy happy family. Don't worry about the few socks on the floor or toys scattered about, you can clean your house, start a business and not need a nanny. Oh yeah, and date that cute vet from town too! Time for everything abounds! Even one-upping your old corporate bosses!
This is not reality.
I was not a successful college-age student. My undergraduate program included two universities and two community colleges. It also included a significant amount of failure and took 13 years to complete.
Along the way I got married and had two daughters. For a time, my then husband didn't want me to finish school and threatened to take the children from me (although we were still married so in hindsight it was a hollow threat, but at the time it felt real and scary) if I continued to take classes. The students at the Methodist Student Center helped to watch my children while I was attending class - one class per semester. Sometimes the baby came along if I thought she would need to breastfeed during classtime and once she was a show-and-tell of infant reflexes for a kinesiology class. Eventually I filed for divorce and the girls enrolled in the University lab school and the on-campus day care center. Somehow I managed to make it through student teaching and graduated.
Also along the way my identity morphed and I didn't even realize it. "Mother" became my dominant identity. Throughout my vocation as mother, I have never given up the path of my calling to the ministry. I thought it was my primary identity - clergywoman. But as my children have grown from teenagers into young adults, one in college and one nearly there, I am realizing just how dominant that "mother" role has truly been.
So here I am - having gotten that undergraduate degree but never really using it. And then a master's degree that led to the clergywoman role, but also to deeper questions and eventually a return to graduate school. Another master's degree and now most of a doctoral program later - and I'm struggling.
I have not had it all. I've managed to raise amazing, intelligent, opinionated, curious, engaged and engaging young women. But I have struggled in every other area. My career looks like a crazy quilt. I have more questions than answers. I don't feel at home in academia or the church - and frequently make mistakes or missteps in those fields. I am not a great homemaker (although clearly I love baking!). And the financial success - well, that is just movie magic.
And so I find myself on an autumn afternoon, surrounded by books. Drowning in a sea of words. Trying to keep outlines sorted out in my head and on my notes. Preparing for the last written exam of my long academic journey. Neighbors have already decorated for Christmas and I haven't begun to think about it - because SuperAmericanWoman is a myth! I can do some things but in spite of how that verse from Philippians has been twisted, I can't do EVERYTHING through Christ who strengthens me if that means being everything to everyone.
I am at the point in exam prep where I am sure that I will fail, there is no way to cram anything else into my brain. It happens to come at the point where there are no dinner plans, laundry has piled up, and I have the awful feeling that I've forgotten something important but have no idea what that might be. It is uncomfortable.
Last exam when I felt this way I went for a nice long walk. This time around I'm fighting a respiratory infection and listened to a radio program on vulnerability and risk a few days ago. So in the spirit of vulnerability and being healthy in body, mind and spirit, I am writing out my stress instead of walking it.
To any woman who might read this: if culture tries to tell you that you CAN be superwoman, don't buy that myth. Don't try to be superwoman. It is exhausting and confusing. Just .... be.
Although my vocation and identity seem to be in the middle of switching to a different path, at the heart of it, I am content. It is deeply peaceful to admit that I'm not superwoman and I can't do it all. This exam, however? I will do that through the grace of Christ!
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
What I've learned about snow
Growing up in south Texas, all snow looked the same. It was on TV or movie screens, Christmas cards and paintings. It was always perfect, crisp, white and fun.
With two New England winters under my belt now, I can say that real snow isn't like the stuff on TV. It gets dirty quickly. You want it to be light and fluffy so it's easy to get off the car and out of the driveway, but the light and fluffy stuff doesn't make snowballs.
The just right for snowballs kind of snow doesn't fall very often. And "it's almost spring snow" tends to come with rain and sleet, so that it's a heavy wet mucky mess that won't make snowballs and won't come off the car easily. Shovelling the wet stuff is a major workout. I've also learned how to make the shovel work like a snow plow - less lifting that way.
All of the shoveling and clearing off can be good for the brain too. After getting the car out yesterday, I had a profound insight about violence and the nature of God while driving Mary Grace to piano lesson.
Only trouble is, I forgot it while waiting and listening to the background sounds of two guitar lessons and three piano lessons. So what I've learned about snow is all this blog is getting today. Being a mom and a theologian aren't always complementary vocations it appears!
With two New England winters under my belt now, I can say that real snow isn't like the stuff on TV. It gets dirty quickly. You want it to be light and fluffy so it's easy to get off the car and out of the driveway, but the light and fluffy stuff doesn't make snowballs.
The just right for snowballs kind of snow doesn't fall very often. And "it's almost spring snow" tends to come with rain and sleet, so that it's a heavy wet mucky mess that won't make snowballs and won't come off the car easily. Shovelling the wet stuff is a major workout. I've also learned how to make the shovel work like a snow plow - less lifting that way.
All of the shoveling and clearing off can be good for the brain too. After getting the car out yesterday, I had a profound insight about violence and the nature of God while driving Mary Grace to piano lesson.
Only trouble is, I forgot it while waiting and listening to the background sounds of two guitar lessons and three piano lessons. So what I've learned about snow is all this blog is getting today. Being a mom and a theologian aren't always complementary vocations it appears!
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Waiting...waiting...
Okay, so I made a post about dates, and the next day James told me I'd missed a friend's birthday. And then I didn't get another friend's card in the mail and settled for an e-card. Still don't know if that gift from online got there. Add those to the lack of posting and I'm just making everyone wait! Not to mention that Carol has my mouth watering waiting for the date muffin recipe now. :-)
I spent most of today waiting in the ER. Mary Grace fell at ice skating practice and hurt her wrist. I think her hip landed on it. It's bad enough for xrays and a temporary cast, but not bad enough for them to say it's broken for sure. We'll go see an orthopedist next week to find out.
Of course, this just caps the week we've had. Last Saturday in the pouring rain, I had a fender bender, so now my car is in the shop getting un-bended. Mary Grace was sick two days and missed school. We postponed our apple picking and fall leaf looking trip, which is good because I have two major presentations next week. As in ... read this 300 page book, write a two or three page summary, a two or three page critical analysis, and be ready to answer questions from classmates on it. Argh!
Monday will be call the doctor day. We need to know if her wrist is really broken or not. And I need to know what's up with the nodule and cyst in my right breast. As if there wasn't enough on my plate already!
Celia is studying up for her driving permit, also practicing madly for the orchestra chair seating audition next week. Both girls are helping with housework while I study, which is very nice.
What an update, huh? :-)
I spent most of today waiting in the ER. Mary Grace fell at ice skating practice and hurt her wrist. I think her hip landed on it. It's bad enough for xrays and a temporary cast, but not bad enough for them to say it's broken for sure. We'll go see an orthopedist next week to find out.
Of course, this just caps the week we've had. Last Saturday in the pouring rain, I had a fender bender, so now my car is in the shop getting un-bended. Mary Grace was sick two days and missed school. We postponed our apple picking and fall leaf looking trip, which is good because I have two major presentations next week. As in ... read this 300 page book, write a two or three page summary, a two or three page critical analysis, and be ready to answer questions from classmates on it. Argh!
Monday will be call the doctor day. We need to know if her wrist is really broken or not. And I need to know what's up with the nodule and cyst in my right breast. As if there wasn't enough on my plate already!
Celia is studying up for her driving permit, also practicing madly for the orchestra chair seating audition next week. Both girls are helping with housework while I study, which is very nice.
What an update, huh? :-)
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Annual Conference, verse three
Still mulling over Annual Conference....
Monday (Memorial Day here in the states) was the first full day of Annual Conference. We opened with the Clergy Session at The Woodlands UMC. Unfortunately, the sign language interpreter did not get the list of traditional questions asked at the clergy session – all of which are answered with lists of names. She needed the spelling of those names, as the person speaking usually knows the clergy and zips through the list quickly. Fingerspelling is a slow process, no matter how fast your fingers work! I went to the back and found her the lists. One of our clergy delegates has a hearing loss that most would not notice. She does just fine in small groups or one on one conversation, but in large settings like Annual Conference, the interpreter is essential for her to catch the whole presentation or speech. One of our lay delegates is Deaf and depends on American Sign Language as her primary language. We have two main interpreters, and on the first day of Conference one goes to the clergy session and one to the laity session. Hard work for our interpreters. They interpret the music so beautifully. I am grateful for their ministry.
The Clergy session is where voting for commissioned members and ordination in full connection happens. It is the culmination of years of work and preparation for ordination. Commissioned elders and deacons will serve under supervision and with the support of covenant groups until ordination in full connection. We used to be called "probationary" and had to work for three years before being considered for ordination. This year at General Conference, they have changed the name to "provisional" elder and deacon. They also shortened the process by a year, which I think is fine. With a clergy mentor and a covenant group, it's a good process. This year dear friends, some of whom worked with great diligence and difficulty through the process were being voted into their order. The papers and oral examination by the Board of Ordained Ministry can be rigorous and exhausting. The look on their faces, shining and humbled, said it all.
Bishop Huie’s Episcopal Address during opening worship - wonderful as always - set the business session in a different tenor than in years past. After last General Conference, I recall that the mood was tense, every one waiting to see how our Conference would play out the divisive issues – would we argue and split or would we hold to the center? This time we are worshipping together – not set one side against the other with the majority in the middle praying we won’t lose sight of what is really important with all our arguing. No, this time we are pointed clearly in the direction of worship and getting to the practices of effective ministry. Gen-X Missional Wesleyan wrote about the difference between leaders and managers and I agree with him.
This morning (June 8) at worship, the children led the entire service. It was great! I had no idea that the senior high class would be preaching. My daughter, up there in the pulpit and me, out there in the congregation! I was surprised, pleased and so proud. She's amazing.
Monday (Memorial Day here in the states) was the first full day of Annual Conference. We opened with the Clergy Session at The Woodlands UMC. Unfortunately, the sign language interpreter did not get the list of traditional questions asked at the clergy session – all of which are answered with lists of names. She needed the spelling of those names, as the person speaking usually knows the clergy and zips through the list quickly. Fingerspelling is a slow process, no matter how fast your fingers work! I went to the back and found her the lists. One of our clergy delegates has a hearing loss that most would not notice. She does just fine in small groups or one on one conversation, but in large settings like Annual Conference, the interpreter is essential for her to catch the whole presentation or speech. One of our lay delegates is Deaf and depends on American Sign Language as her primary language. We have two main interpreters, and on the first day of Conference one goes to the clergy session and one to the laity session. Hard work for our interpreters. They interpret the music so beautifully. I am grateful for their ministry.
The Clergy session is where voting for commissioned members and ordination in full connection happens. It is the culmination of years of work and preparation for ordination. Commissioned elders and deacons will serve under supervision and with the support of covenant groups until ordination in full connection. We used to be called "probationary" and had to work for three years before being considered for ordination. This year at General Conference, they have changed the name to "provisional" elder and deacon. They also shortened the process by a year, which I think is fine. With a clergy mentor and a covenant group, it's a good process. This year dear friends, some of whom worked with great diligence and difficulty through the process were being voted into their order. The papers and oral examination by the Board of Ordained Ministry can be rigorous and exhausting. The look on their faces, shining and humbled, said it all.
Bishop Huie’s Episcopal Address during opening worship - wonderful as always - set the business session in a different tenor than in years past. After last General Conference, I recall that the mood was tense, every one waiting to see how our Conference would play out the divisive issues – would we argue and split or would we hold to the center? This time we are worshipping together – not set one side against the other with the majority in the middle praying we won’t lose sight of what is really important with all our arguing. No, this time we are pointed clearly in the direction of worship and getting to the practices of effective ministry. Gen-X Missional Wesleyan wrote about the difference between leaders and managers and I agree with him.
This morning (June 8) at worship, the children led the entire service. It was great! I had no idea that the senior high class would be preaching. My daughter, up there in the pulpit and me, out there in the congregation! I was surprised, pleased and so proud. She's amazing.
Friday, June 6, 2008
Bookshelf
One thing that is really hard about having homes in two places (aside from being apart from my husband) is that my books are in two places.
I collect books like other women collect pretty plates or jewelry. I love reading and re-reading my books.
Tonight I went through the ones here in Boston and put them on my "Shelfari". When I get to Houston, I'll add the rest. I own the complete works of Agatha Christie, all of Laura Ingalls Wilder, a bunch of Nancy Drew books, as well as lots of theology. Some of my favorites are what we've kept from when the girls were young enough to be read to each evening. I miss that.
The local high school graduation ceremony is tonight. Celia and I saw the football field preparations when I picked her up from violin lesson. Two years from now, we'll be sitting there watching her graduate. For tonight though, she's off to a friend's house for pizza and Rock Band. Lucky me, she's getting a ride home. I just don't have the energy to be out driving tonight.
The Boston basketball team is in the playoffs or something. My upstairs neighbor watches all the Boston sports teams. Last night's game must have run late and been very exciting, if the expletives and applause are any measure. Just as I dropped off to sleep, something worth cussing or cheering would happen...rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat.
I'm going to cuddle up with one of my books now, and hope that the basketball game is NOT on tonight. Sleep is beckoning, and dreams of Jamie and Claire await......
I collect books like other women collect pretty plates or jewelry. I love reading and re-reading my books.
Tonight I went through the ones here in Boston and put them on my "Shelfari". When I get to Houston, I'll add the rest. I own the complete works of Agatha Christie, all of Laura Ingalls Wilder, a bunch of Nancy Drew books, as well as lots of theology. Some of my favorites are what we've kept from when the girls were young enough to be read to each evening. I miss that.
The local high school graduation ceremony is tonight. Celia and I saw the football field preparations when I picked her up from violin lesson. Two years from now, we'll be sitting there watching her graduate. For tonight though, she's off to a friend's house for pizza and Rock Band. Lucky me, she's getting a ride home. I just don't have the energy to be out driving tonight.
The Boston basketball team is in the playoffs or something. My upstairs neighbor watches all the Boston sports teams. Last night's game must have run late and been very exciting, if the expletives and applause are any measure. Just as I dropped off to sleep, something worth cussing or cheering would happen...rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat.
I'm going to cuddle up with one of my books now, and hope that the basketball game is NOT on tonight. Sleep is beckoning, and dreams of Jamie and Claire await......
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Ouch!
There was a junior high dance Friday night. Full of the possibility of drama. At first my junior high daughter wanted to go, but then she changed her mind. After dropping big sister off at a friend's house for pizza and video games, I took Miss Junior High out for her favorite - McDonald's.
Now, I resist McDonald's because as yummy as it tastes, there will be gastric distress later. I'd like to boycott it, but my boycotts are best saved for another post. Miss Junior High LOVES McD's, so I took her for theraputic burger and fries.
Turns out, the pressures of junior high, friends and dating were overwhelming her. She said she wished they could just all go back to the way it was. Trouble is, you can't go back. We talked about friendships and dating, what people expect of you, that sort of thing. It drives her NUTS that some people will only talk to her to ask about who she's dating, as though that's all there is to her. And since dating and relationships are a major part of junior high life, even her best friendships are affected.
After Burger Therapy and talking with mom, she got all jazzed up and went to the dance. There was a LOT of drama, as expected, but it didn't directly involve her and she had fun. Guess it's all working itself out.
For my own fun, I took my right hamstring out for another walk/run this afternoon. It's crazy how the first run segment is so hard. My brain starts off okay, and the breathing starts okay, but the body argues back. Wouldn't it just be easier to hang out on the sofa and watch a movie?
There were two ten minute run segments. During the walk segment in between the runs, I noticed a little pain on my right toes - I figured it was the sock rubbing wrong on my toes, and just kept running.
Wrong!!
When I took off my shoes to stretch out at home, there was blood all over the right sock. Sheesh. My junior medic cleaned it up, because I HAD to stretch out that right hamstring (it was trying to twinge). Seems one of my nails cut into the toe next to it. Boy am I glad this didn't happen on Sunday.
At least now I really have a good reason for getting that pedicure this week. :-)
Now, I resist McDonald's because as yummy as it tastes, there will be gastric distress later. I'd like to boycott it, but my boycotts are best saved for another post. Miss Junior High LOVES McD's, so I took her for theraputic burger and fries.
Turns out, the pressures of junior high, friends and dating were overwhelming her. She said she wished they could just all go back to the way it was. Trouble is, you can't go back. We talked about friendships and dating, what people expect of you, that sort of thing. It drives her NUTS that some people will only talk to her to ask about who she's dating, as though that's all there is to her. And since dating and relationships are a major part of junior high life, even her best friendships are affected.
After Burger Therapy and talking with mom, she got all jazzed up and went to the dance. There was a LOT of drama, as expected, but it didn't directly involve her and she had fun. Guess it's all working itself out.
For my own fun, I took my right hamstring out for another walk/run this afternoon. It's crazy how the first run segment is so hard. My brain starts off okay, and the breathing starts okay, but the body argues back. Wouldn't it just be easier to hang out on the sofa and watch a movie?
There were two ten minute run segments. During the walk segment in between the runs, I noticed a little pain on my right toes - I figured it was the sock rubbing wrong on my toes, and just kept running.
Wrong!!
When I took off my shoes to stretch out at home, there was blood all over the right sock. Sheesh. My junior medic cleaned it up, because I HAD to stretch out that right hamstring (it was trying to twinge). Seems one of my nails cut into the toe next to it. Boy am I glad this didn't happen on Sunday.
At least now I really have a good reason for getting that pedicure this week. :-)
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