The saying goes... "...it takes a village..."
I have a village. Not a village to help raise up a child (although I had one of those to help with the two of mine). This time it's a village of women.
Being a woman is complicated. There are career paths, relationships, decisions about child bearing and then, depending on those decisions, more decisions about child rearing. There are choices - focus on career/life partner/children - all choices that result in the prioritizing of one thing and the realization that others will not be a priority. There's guilt. There's women's bodies, women and aging, women and our parents, women and food. It takes a village!
Women need a variety of female relationships throughout our lives. You've probably seen pictures or posts about different kinds of friends or different seasons of friends through our lives, and I agree with aspects of those posts. I'm coming to appreciate the different female relationships I have now in my life, as those women collectively make up a stunning constellation of wisdom and love that sustains my life.
One friend I've known since junior high. She listens to me complain and laughs with me at the silliest things. We've seen a lot in each other over the years. Friends of long standing are essential.
A couple of dear friends encourage me to write and to care for my body. They inspire me with their passion and verve for life. Their artistic and creative vision is like a beacon on days when I struggle to see past my computer screen. I hope to impress them, and that helps me to keep going.
A clergy friend listens whenever I am having a cynical day about pastoring. She probably thinks that I'm Reverend Downer, but in reality, we don't often get to connect and somehow it is usually when I need to vent. For her listening ear, I'm ever grateful, and being with her always makes me commit myself anew to listening more carefully to others.
Another clergy friend of mine has recently begun meeting with me as we hold each other accountable on our academic work. She's writing a D.Min. thesis and I'm beginning my dissertation research. We share similar visions for ministry and academic work, it is a fruitful and joyful relationship. I hesitated to join a writing accountability group but now wish I'd done so earlier.
My mentor is a female academic, and I'd give anything to make her proud of my work. She could see potential in me that I could not when I began this academic program. Now it feels as though I'm on the cusp of some new phase of my life, and I can't quite see it yet, but I know that if I am faithful to the work she's helped me to sketch out, it will come clear in time. Patience, hard work, and dedication are necessary.
My oldest daughter is becoming my friend. A treasure I didn't expect. I think I laugh more with her than with anyone else. What a joy. My younger daughter is still my little girl, who needs me still, and that is a treasure too.
There are young women who I mentor - discerning calls to ministry or working through a new path in ministry. These are informal mentoring relationships, and I doubt they realize how much they give back to me in our conversations. There are women I've met through various church functions whose friendships have grown over time, even though I've moved away from where they live. There are women I have met through other friends, who comment on things through facebook or send me emails, and who probably don't know that they are part of the constellation of women whose lives sparkle and shine through the dark times in my life. There are old, dear friends, those I've found thanks to facebook, after long years apart, lost time made up for in a few shared photos and smiles.
A village of women - fierce, passionate, dedicated, creative, loving, supportive, challenging, fabulous women. It's my village, and they make me a better person.
Friday, November 14, 2014
Tuesday, November 4, 2014
Adios, Leftover Halloween Candy
A couple days ago I wore a pair of my most expensive shoes. They are hot pink and green, with bouncy soles. James bought them for me just over a year ago, right before a 5k race. I wasn't running while wearing them. I was at the office.
As evidenced on this very blog, I am a reluctant runner. However, I learned that running can be fun and I usually feel better when I run (also evidenced on this blog, as well as the fact that "run" is a relative term when my kids are out there with me).
A year ago I was training sort of regularly. There was the 5k to raise funds for mission, in which my bishop nearly powerwalked past me. There was the highlight of my running year, going out for a run with my dear friend Carol, who inspires me from half a globe away with her persistence and joy. There was James, who was proud of my running and bought those expensive shoes.
But somewhere along the line I stopped. I don't know what happened, or why. I could list the multitude of excuses that have lived inside my head for the last year, but I'll spare you all that particular bit of prevarication. The fact is, I quit exercising altogether.
And now I'm faced with a bowl of leftover Halloween candy. Not just any leftover candy. Nope, I was careful about what was leftover. Turns out, that bowl has a bunch of the candy James likes, and a bunch that I like. It's relatively easy to walk past the candy bars at the grocery store or the convenience store, because they are big and full of lots of calories. But this bite sized one, well, it's so cute and really, there's not that much wrong with just a little ole bite sized one, right?
~cue rustling sound~ tick tock tick tock Suddenly I realize that I've lost track of time while here at my desk and ~gasp~ there's a pile of bite sized chocolate candy wrappers beside me!
~sigh~
I know myself well enough to know that thinking up a grand plan for total fitness make-over will be doomed for failure. I'll start off well enough but then I'll fall off the wagon rather soon and give up in frustration. It's best for me if I just pick up again, slowly but surely, starting over again off the couch - specifically, the Couch to 5k program. It works for me, working my way slowly into running again. And if I'm not mistaken, I do still have a gym membership. I'll feel better about holiday meals if I'm already working out a couple days a week. And bonus, then I'll be comfortable with the gym when all the new years resolution types come in to the gym in January, right? Nah, I'll never be comfortable with the gym, who am I kidding? But a habit, well, now that might be worth working on. Never mind if it's not comfortable, it's healthy. I sleep better, think more clearly, and have more energy if I train for a run and go to the gym.
So, it's adios to the leftover Halloween candy and hola to my running shoes! Ole!
As evidenced on this very blog, I am a reluctant runner. However, I learned that running can be fun and I usually feel better when I run (also evidenced on this blog, as well as the fact that "run" is a relative term when my kids are out there with me).
A year ago I was training sort of regularly. There was the 5k to raise funds for mission, in which my bishop nearly powerwalked past me. There was the highlight of my running year, going out for a run with my dear friend Carol, who inspires me from half a globe away with her persistence and joy. There was James, who was proud of my running and bought those expensive shoes.
But somewhere along the line I stopped. I don't know what happened, or why. I could list the multitude of excuses that have lived inside my head for the last year, but I'll spare you all that particular bit of prevarication. The fact is, I quit exercising altogether.
And now I'm faced with a bowl of leftover Halloween candy. Not just any leftover candy. Nope, I was careful about what was leftover. Turns out, that bowl has a bunch of the candy James likes, and a bunch that I like. It's relatively easy to walk past the candy bars at the grocery store or the convenience store, because they are big and full of lots of calories. But this bite sized one, well, it's so cute and really, there's not that much wrong with just a little ole bite sized one, right?
~cue rustling sound~ tick tock tick tock Suddenly I realize that I've lost track of time while here at my desk and ~gasp~ there's a pile of bite sized chocolate candy wrappers beside me!
~sigh~
I know myself well enough to know that thinking up a grand plan for total fitness make-over will be doomed for failure. I'll start off well enough but then I'll fall off the wagon rather soon and give up in frustration. It's best for me if I just pick up again, slowly but surely, starting over again off the couch - specifically, the Couch to 5k program. It works for me, working my way slowly into running again. And if I'm not mistaken, I do still have a gym membership. I'll feel better about holiday meals if I'm already working out a couple days a week. And bonus, then I'll be comfortable with the gym when all the new years resolution types come in to the gym in January, right? Nah, I'll never be comfortable with the gym, who am I kidding? But a habit, well, now that might be worth working on. Never mind if it's not comfortable, it's healthy. I sleep better, think more clearly, and have more energy if I train for a run and go to the gym.
So, it's adios to the leftover Halloween candy and hola to my running shoes! Ole!
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
Stewing
I am a doctoral student. This means that one of my priorities should be writing for publication. It's not easy in the internet age - and probably complicated by my age.
Although I'm fairly comfortable with technology and various internet forms of communication, I'm not fast. I like to imagine that the pressure on grad students to write for publication twenty or thirty years ago was more manageable. Peer reviewed journals have regular deadlines, put out books to review, future issue topics, etc. Many days I think that things would have been easier if I'd gotten through my bachelor's degree in a timely manner and moved quickly onto graduate work, seeing as that would now be about 15 years ago.
But the fact of the matter is that I'm a grad student now, the age of super speedy internet. There are blogs, and tweets, and online journals, not just peer reviewed journals. Newspapers are online and move much more quickly than before. It's difficult to keep up.
Often I will use the image of a good stew when talking about writing. A good stew takes hours of slow cooking, with a stir now and again. This is how my mind works. I'll read something, it will strike me as profound, I'll want to reply or respond, but need a bit of time to process, mull, think it over ... to stew.
Unfortunately, in this fast-paced world, stewing isn't helpful. I really need to work on faster response times. That's my writing thought of the day. Less stewing.
Although I'm fairly comfortable with technology and various internet forms of communication, I'm not fast. I like to imagine that the pressure on grad students to write for publication twenty or thirty years ago was more manageable. Peer reviewed journals have regular deadlines, put out books to review, future issue topics, etc. Many days I think that things would have been easier if I'd gotten through my bachelor's degree in a timely manner and moved quickly onto graduate work, seeing as that would now be about 15 years ago.
But the fact of the matter is that I'm a grad student now, the age of super speedy internet. There are blogs, and tweets, and online journals, not just peer reviewed journals. Newspapers are online and move much more quickly than before. It's difficult to keep up.
Often I will use the image of a good stew when talking about writing. A good stew takes hours of slow cooking, with a stir now and again. This is how my mind works. I'll read something, it will strike me as profound, I'll want to reply or respond, but need a bit of time to process, mull, think it over ... to stew.
Unfortunately, in this fast-paced world, stewing isn't helpful. I really need to work on faster response times. That's my writing thought of the day. Less stewing.
Monday, October 27, 2014
When Words Won't Work
A dear friend of mine is struggling. She is exhausted and unhappy. No matter what I say, I know it's not going to help.
Some days, it doesn't matter how many words you know, words just won't work.
I pray for this friend quite often. Some days, the words of a prayer don't quite capture how I feel, how badly I want for something to change for her.
I have a bookshelf full of inspirational books, meditation guides, daily devotionals, uplifting stories. When I recommend one of these to someone who has sought me out for a bit of pastoral counseling, it is gratifying to see their faces - they know that I've walked difficult paths too and these books helped me.
But today, none of these words would be enough, and so I didn't suggest any of them. I just don't know what to say to her anymore. Most of our conversations are over text message, since it's the modern thing to do. Well, that, and we're both working, so actual conversations are hard. I have said a million cliches, stupid cheerful super-perky things. I'm sure none of them quite ring true.
Some days being a friend means not having the right words to say. When you can't be there in person, those days really suck.
Some days, it doesn't matter how many words you know, words just won't work.
I pray for this friend quite often. Some days, the words of a prayer don't quite capture how I feel, how badly I want for something to change for her.
I have a bookshelf full of inspirational books, meditation guides, daily devotionals, uplifting stories. When I recommend one of these to someone who has sought me out for a bit of pastoral counseling, it is gratifying to see their faces - they know that I've walked difficult paths too and these books helped me.
But today, none of these words would be enough, and so I didn't suggest any of them. I just don't know what to say to her anymore. Most of our conversations are over text message, since it's the modern thing to do. Well, that, and we're both working, so actual conversations are hard. I have said a million cliches, stupid cheerful super-perky things. I'm sure none of them quite ring true.
Some days being a friend means not having the right words to say. When you can't be there in person, those days really suck.
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
Budget Woes
Today I had to work on a proposed budget for a programming area at the church. I don't like math. I avoid anything to do with math. Creating a proposed budget requires doing math.
Despite my resistance to all things math, I persevered and turned in my proposal today. I hope that it makes it through.
Today was rather challenging on several levels. First the budget proposal. Then an afternoon spent working on some paperwork, and rethinking vocational options. Several of the doctoral student support groups that I've joined or considered joining have discussions on alternative career paths. For many years it has been assumed that if you get a Masters of Divinity, you must be seeking ordination. And I did both - the M.Div. and ordination. But I didn't stay on the expected career path in my region. For many years as well, it has been assumed that if you get a Ph.D. you will become a professor.
I chose Ph.D. study after a lot of discernment, conversations with my advisor, and realizing that I truly enjoy academic work. Sustained theological reflection is something that I want to do. However, budget woes - the reality of my financial situation - have made it difficult to simply focus on the traditional Ph.D. track.
Some of my colleagues have sped through their programs, applied for faculty positions and are now employed. Others have taken positions in full time ministry. Others are publishing in traditional (conference papers, journal articles) and non-traditional (blogs, web news columns) ways.
My path isn't quite clear yet. One report indicates that jobs in the humanities in academia have reduced by 50% in recent years. I'm overeducated for many positions and older than average for both the church and the academy. And yet, I'm drawn to both church and academy, in no small part because both options provide the possibility of stable income and benefits. Budget woes are a powerful motivation.
However, they aren't the most important consideration. And so today I pondered. No conclusions as yet. Pondering will continue. I feel certain that some interesting options will come open in time. Hopefully they will come with people who love math and are great at budgets!
Despite my resistance to all things math, I persevered and turned in my proposal today. I hope that it makes it through.
Today was rather challenging on several levels. First the budget proposal. Then an afternoon spent working on some paperwork, and rethinking vocational options. Several of the doctoral student support groups that I've joined or considered joining have discussions on alternative career paths. For many years it has been assumed that if you get a Masters of Divinity, you must be seeking ordination. And I did both - the M.Div. and ordination. But I didn't stay on the expected career path in my region. For many years as well, it has been assumed that if you get a Ph.D. you will become a professor.
I chose Ph.D. study after a lot of discernment, conversations with my advisor, and realizing that I truly enjoy academic work. Sustained theological reflection is something that I want to do. However, budget woes - the reality of my financial situation - have made it difficult to simply focus on the traditional Ph.D. track.
Some of my colleagues have sped through their programs, applied for faculty positions and are now employed. Others have taken positions in full time ministry. Others are publishing in traditional (conference papers, journal articles) and non-traditional (blogs, web news columns) ways.
My path isn't quite clear yet. One report indicates that jobs in the humanities in academia have reduced by 50% in recent years. I'm overeducated for many positions and older than average for both the church and the academy. And yet, I'm drawn to both church and academy, in no small part because both options provide the possibility of stable income and benefits. Budget woes are a powerful motivation.
However, they aren't the most important consideration. And so today I pondered. No conclusions as yet. Pondering will continue. I feel certain that some interesting options will come open in time. Hopefully they will come with people who love math and are great at budgets!
Saturday, October 11, 2014
It's Chili Because It's Chilly
After many months, my daughters started asking me for recipes again. One for a favorite soup, and the other for craisin scones. The scones are actually buttermilk biscuits, but were renamed by my husband. The girls were in elementary school when we married, and one of the biggest adjustments was the language barrier. He's South African, they are Texan. Is it a living room or a lounge? A duvet or a bed spread? Perhaps the most infamous... is it a flashlight or a torch?
Despite the arguments the three of them would have over terminology, they never seemed to mind when James exclaimed with glee "scones!" at a plate of fresh from the oven buttermilk biscuits studded with craisins. They devoured the yummy treats. We never had leftovers.
Alas, now the girls are out of the house, and a pan of fresh biscuits (or scones) doesn't quite disappear so quickly. One of us ends up taking them to the office, where they are welcomed by hungry cubicle dwellers. When Celia asked for the recipe, I decided that maybe it was time to cut the recipe in half. That way there's just enough for the two at this house, and just enough for the two at her house. That recipe is below.
What isn't below is her second request - my chili recipe. It's chilly outside (ha ha lame word play joke) and she had a craving for my chili this weekend. She made a recipe she found online but reported that it was good, but definitely NOT Mommy's chili. I told her that I would NOT be putting that recipe on the blog. You see, it's a recipe from 1963 that my mother cut out of a newspaper. Over the years, I've modified it and have used in in a couple chili cook-offs. I haven't won a dang thing - but that's what you get when you put beans in chili in a cook-off in Texas. You get derision instead of an award. I have been known to slip in chile pequins - whole. Precious little babies. Bright red, map pin sized surprises of unimaginable heat. A friend told me I was nuts, but I told her it was just to fulfill the name of my ha-ha-I'm-a-pastor-get-this-scripture-reference chili. Nebuchadnezzar's Revenge!
Okay, so it's fairly lame. But it makes me laugh, and laughter is the best part of chili cook offs. Plus, if those mega-hot babies are whole, I can pick them out of my bowl. Because I'm a wimp. I don't eat chili peppers of any kind, not even jalapenos. There's a story there, but that's for another post, another day.
Tips for buttermilk biscuits/scones recipe: use fresh baking powder, it makes all the difference. Try the recipe a few times to see how your oven does. I've had to reduce the temperature because the oven I'm using now seems to brown the bottoms too quickly. Try the dough lightly and quickly - too much kneading/handling can make them come out tough. When I have time, I will chill the shortening before adding, but that's not essential in my view. Last tip for my daughter: use the handy-dandy pastry blender you got last Christmas! :-)
Craisin Scones for two
1 1/2 cups flour
1 Tablespoon sugar
2 teaspoons baking powder
3/4 teaspoons salt
1/4 cup shortening (I use store brand all-vegetable shortening)
1/2 cup buttermilk
About 1/2 cup craisins (dried sweetened cranberries)
Preheat oven to 450. In a large bowl, whisk together flour, sugar, baking powder and salt. With a pastry blender, cut in shortening until mixture resembles coarse crumbs. Add in craisins, mixing with a fork. Add buttermilk, quickly stirring until mixture forms a soft dough and leaves side of the bowl.
On a lightly floured surface with floured hands, knead dough 10 times. Pat dough into a square and cut into six squares. Place on cookie sheet, no more than 1 inch apart. Bake 12-15 minutes or until golden brown.
Despite the arguments the three of them would have over terminology, they never seemed to mind when James exclaimed with glee "scones!" at a plate of fresh from the oven buttermilk biscuits studded with craisins. They devoured the yummy treats. We never had leftovers.
Alas, now the girls are out of the house, and a pan of fresh biscuits (or scones) doesn't quite disappear so quickly. One of us ends up taking them to the office, where they are welcomed by hungry cubicle dwellers. When Celia asked for the recipe, I decided that maybe it was time to cut the recipe in half. That way there's just enough for the two at this house, and just enough for the two at her house. That recipe is below.
What isn't below is her second request - my chili recipe. It's chilly outside (ha ha lame word play joke) and she had a craving for my chili this weekend. She made a recipe she found online but reported that it was good, but definitely NOT Mommy's chili. I told her that I would NOT be putting that recipe on the blog. You see, it's a recipe from 1963 that my mother cut out of a newspaper. Over the years, I've modified it and have used in in a couple chili cook-offs. I haven't won a dang thing - but that's what you get when you put beans in chili in a cook-off in Texas. You get derision instead of an award. I have been known to slip in chile pequins - whole. Precious little babies. Bright red, map pin sized surprises of unimaginable heat. A friend told me I was nuts, but I told her it was just to fulfill the name of my ha-ha-I'm-a-pastor-get-this-scripture-reference chili. Nebuchadnezzar's Revenge!
Okay, so it's fairly lame. But it makes me laugh, and laughter is the best part of chili cook offs. Plus, if those mega-hot babies are whole, I can pick them out of my bowl. Because I'm a wimp. I don't eat chili peppers of any kind, not even jalapenos. There's a story there, but that's for another post, another day.
Tips for buttermilk biscuits/scones recipe: use fresh baking powder, it makes all the difference. Try the recipe a few times to see how your oven does. I've had to reduce the temperature because the oven I'm using now seems to brown the bottoms too quickly. Try the dough lightly and quickly - too much kneading/handling can make them come out tough. When I have time, I will chill the shortening before adding, but that's not essential in my view. Last tip for my daughter: use the handy-dandy pastry blender you got last Christmas! :-)
Craisin Scones for two
1 1/2 cups flour
1 Tablespoon sugar
2 teaspoons baking powder
3/4 teaspoons salt
1/4 cup shortening (I use store brand all-vegetable shortening)
1/2 cup buttermilk
About 1/2 cup craisins (dried sweetened cranberries)
Preheat oven to 450. In a large bowl, whisk together flour, sugar, baking powder and salt. With a pastry blender, cut in shortening until mixture resembles coarse crumbs. Add in craisins, mixing with a fork. Add buttermilk, quickly stirring until mixture forms a soft dough and leaves side of the bowl.
On a lightly floured surface with floured hands, knead dough 10 times. Pat dough into a square and cut into six squares. Place on cookie sheet, no more than 1 inch apart. Bake 12-15 minutes or until golden brown.
Thursday, October 2, 2014
Paper and Technology
In June 1997 I started a job at a small town church. They bought a computer for me, and the guy who came in to set it up also set up an email account for me. The church didn't have email yet, so he used what was the most popular web-based email at the time - Excite.
What's that you say? You've never heard of it? Well, you're not alone. What was popular in 1997 isn't exactly still popular. However, what was often said in 1997 about technology is still being said - that it will help keep your work organized, reduce papers and/or paperwork, and is a very efficient tool.
Ha.
As I write this post, in October 2014, I am surrounded by paper. Not only that, but there are many computers around my house that also have information on them, and none of it - the technology bits or the paper bits - are very organized. Download this amazing program and it will make your life so easy!! - well, that seems to be the sales pitch.
I haven't found that technology is actually all that helpful in reducing papers or paperwork. It does make writing easier. Let's face it - as much as I loved LiquidPaper, it wasn't very efficient. And as much as I liked literally cutting and pasting together a newsletter for my youth group, technology has helped speed up communication with folks.
But no amount of technology is going to help me deal with the stacks of papers in my office. I have to just sort through them, bit by bit. Recycle what I can, shred what needs to be shredded, and get my husband to help with the files. We really don't need most of what sits in our file cabinets, and I just don't have hours and hours to sort through it. This is where a good homecooked meal and a beer come in - a little incentive, shall we say, to ensure his help.
Now, as to what could function as incentive to help me let go of all the papers I deem "possibly useful" or "sentimental"? Might need to hashtag that one "hopeless" or perhaps "source of the problem".
And with that bit of confessional, this post on papers and technology must come to an end (especially as another stack has just fallen over....)
What's that you say? You've never heard of it? Well, you're not alone. What was popular in 1997 isn't exactly still popular. However, what was often said in 1997 about technology is still being said - that it will help keep your work organized, reduce papers and/or paperwork, and is a very efficient tool.
Ha.
As I write this post, in October 2014, I am surrounded by paper. Not only that, but there are many computers around my house that also have information on them, and none of it - the technology bits or the paper bits - are very organized. Download this amazing program and it will make your life so easy!! - well, that seems to be the sales pitch.
I haven't found that technology is actually all that helpful in reducing papers or paperwork. It does make writing easier. Let's face it - as much as I loved LiquidPaper, it wasn't very efficient. And as much as I liked literally cutting and pasting together a newsletter for my youth group, technology has helped speed up communication with folks.
But no amount of technology is going to help me deal with the stacks of papers in my office. I have to just sort through them, bit by bit. Recycle what I can, shred what needs to be shredded, and get my husband to help with the files. We really don't need most of what sits in our file cabinets, and I just don't have hours and hours to sort through it. This is where a good homecooked meal and a beer come in - a little incentive, shall we say, to ensure his help.
Now, as to what could function as incentive to help me let go of all the papers I deem "possibly useful" or "sentimental"? Might need to hashtag that one "hopeless" or perhaps "source of the problem".
And with that bit of confessional, this post on papers and technology must come to an end (especially as another stack has just fallen over....)
Wednesday, October 1, 2014
Change is Bad
Finding my old blog was easy.
Signing in was hell.
Dear Google, you stink. I have no idea if I'm actually signed in correctly or not. I am befuddled at your "help" which is of no help at all. Simply sending me to forums where other similarly confused people answer questions in their own befuddled manner is not helpful.
I was happy having separate email, youtube and blog accounts. You, dear google, have made connecting these things (which you appear to have purchased) impossible to use.
A fairly peaceful afternoon has turned into an exercise in frustration, irritation, and now I'm totally off the path of whatever train of thought brought me back to this simple blog. I think I wanted to write up a recipe for one of my daughters, but I could be wrong.
~sigh~
I think I'll go make dinner.
Signing in was hell.
Dear Google, you stink. I have no idea if I'm actually signed in correctly or not. I am befuddled at your "help" which is of no help at all. Simply sending me to forums where other similarly confused people answer questions in their own befuddled manner is not helpful.
I was happy having separate email, youtube and blog accounts. You, dear google, have made connecting these things (which you appear to have purchased) impossible to use.
A fairly peaceful afternoon has turned into an exercise in frustration, irritation, and now I'm totally off the path of whatever train of thought brought me back to this simple blog. I think I wanted to write up a recipe for one of my daughters, but I could be wrong.
~sigh~
I think I'll go make dinner.
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